#46 - How to Set Healthy Boundaries Without Feeling Guilty

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Thanks for listening today. Last time on the

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podcast I described boundaries. You might want

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to check out that episode. And we talked about

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why they feel difficult. And I felt in this time

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of hiatus that I took to move into my new house

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and get the studio set up, I've just felt like

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there were more things to discuss on the subject

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of boundaries. So today we're focusing on how

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to apply them and how to manage them. in some

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real -life situations. I'm Dr. Cory Potter,

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the host of the Mind and Faith Matters podcast,

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and as always, thank you for listening to the

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show. My goal in this episode is to give you

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simple, clear language and steps you can take

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in the following situations. When someone sets

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a boundary that you didn't even know about and

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things start feeling different. When you need

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distance from someone who is unsafe for you.

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How about when you're not sure how to set a boundary

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yourself? And finally we're going to talk about

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how to set boundaries at work to keep it professional

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and keep the personal stuff out. So stay tuned

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and we'll dive into each of these. Let's start

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with what to do when you can tell something has

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shifted in a relationship. But no one has said

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anything directly about setting new boundaries.

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I often say that if we don't know the rules or

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we don't agree to the rules in a relationship,

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there's going to be misunderstandings and potential

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conflict. And a lot of the premarital counseling

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that I've done, we talk about conflict styles

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and how we're going to communicate. So When I

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talk about this first one, I think it's different

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in intimate long relationships with a partner

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a marriage partner because we should be able

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to openly communicate what's going on in safe

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healthy relationships and I don't think we need

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to be guessing about a new boundary that someone

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set but at the same time There are situations

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where we have a relative a friend a co -worker,

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an acquaintance, or someone we're getting to

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know better than we did previously. And sometimes

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the rules change without anyone saying anything

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out loud to you. You might notice that a person,

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for example, who used to check in a lot now keeps

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things short. Or someone who used to make plans

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now avoids committing. or a friend who used to

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share openly now feels guarded whenever you talk.

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You can tell something is different, but you

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don't know what really has changed. The most

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direct, simplest approach that I can think of

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is to start by seeking permission. Say something

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like, can I check in about something I've been

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noticing? If they say yes, you can say something

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like, I care about our connection. And I want

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to make sure I'm responding in a way that respects

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you and what you need. How are things feeling

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for you lately? This conversation can start an

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open dialogue. So it keeps the conversation open

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without pressure. You're not asking them to justify

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why they're acting a certain way. You're simply

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opening up space for them to share if they want

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to. And if they explain, it's very helpful. But

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if they do not have the words, that's okay as

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well. You have to understand, they're their boundaries,

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not yours. And people adjust boundaries for many

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reasons. Stress can put up walls and make you

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set more boundaries. Your capacity to handle

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things change over time. And life itself changes.

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sometimes a person finds healing and part of

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that healing is understanding that they had to

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open of boundaries and they didn't understand

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where they began and where they ended and where

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someone else began and their responsibilities

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are outside of my responsibilities and so healing

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is happening and they realize wow I had to open

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of or loose of boundaries and now I'm going to

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tighten them up. So healing is a good thing.

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It just can make you feel if you're the recipient

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of a tighter boundary as though something's wrong,

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but don't take it personally. It truly is a situation

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where the person is healing. So always remember,

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sometimes it has nothing to do with you and your

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calm posture is what matters. You're showing

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respect without assuming anything. You should

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try that also with prayer, taking it to the Lord

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and asking Him to give you patience that only

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the Holy Spirit can provide naturally to you

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as you walk with Him. Next, I want to talk about

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something a bit more serious from my experience

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as a counselor. There is another type of situation

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that comes up often and it needs a different

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kind of attention Some relationships are unsafe

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to be in or abusive creating a safety situation

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When someone is toxic Abusive or threatening

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the priority is your safety whether emotional

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physical psychological spiritual Priority in

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these cases is always safety, not the conversation

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you need to have or a clarification of a boundary

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you may want to set, not the other person's expectation

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of you. It's your safety. And in these situations,

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you do not have to announce a boundary. You do

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not have to explain yourself and you do not have

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to give the person a chance to respond. Many

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people create distance discreetly because that

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is the safest option. It might look like changing

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your routines so you're not being alone with

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the person. Next thing I want you to do in those

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situations, immediately limit what you're sharing

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and you may have to start reaching out to a professional

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or someone you can trust. And if possible, slowly

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reducing contact without drawing attention to

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it can be the case. Those are some safety strategies.

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And if it is safe to say something, keep it brief.

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In this situation you could say, I'm not able

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to continue this conversation. I need some space.

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So you only use these if they do not increase

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the risk of danger. And I want to be clear about

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something important. If you're in a situation

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where you feel threatened, trapped, or unsure

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what to do next, a podcast is not enough support.

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You may need to involve people who are trained

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to help you stay safe. That could be a counselor,

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a domestic violence advocate, a pastor, a first

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responder. If you're in immediate danger, reaching

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out is an act of protection. I encourage you

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to reach out for help. You're taking care of

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your life. And if you're unsure whether something

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is unsafe, that in itself it's worth paying attention

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to. You don't really have to diagnose it. You

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can simply reach out to the professionals for

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clarity and support. And if this kind of situation

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shows up at work, Direct confrontation may not

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be possible. In those cases, internal boundaries

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matter. Keep communication brief and factual.

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You'll want to document your interactions and

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you definitely want to involve human resources

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or a supervisor when appropriate. And it's not

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the supervisor that's causing the problems. You

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are allowed to protect yourself. with the options

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that are available to you at any given time.

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And you are allowed to create distance without

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announcing it. Your safety matters. And so when

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I'm talking about boundaries, I'm not talking

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about saying in unsafe situations. Now let's

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dive into the next type of boundary scenario.

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A lot of people tell me I get the idea of boundaries.

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I just don't know how to do them or create them.

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So let's talk about that. Many people were never

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taught how to name their limits. So when a boundary

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is needed, they freeze or over explain or feel

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guilty. Here are the things that tend to make

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this easier. One of the first places to pay attention

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what's happening inside you. Is it resentment?

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Dread? Tightness? Exhaustion? These are often

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early signals that a limit is needed. Sometimes

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your body knows before your mind does. A sigh

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you didn't mean to make. A heaviness in your

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shoulders. A feeling of bracing yourself when

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you're around someone. These are Quiet invitations

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to check in with yourself. Another place to start

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is practicing smaller boundaries. Saying things

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like, I need a minute to collect your thoughts

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and assess a situation. To be able to say to

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someone, I'm not able to take that on right now,

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let me get back to you. That's a boundary. It's

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direct, it's honest, and it's enough to be understood.

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Here's how it works. Small boundaries build confidence

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for the bigger ones. They help you learn what

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it feels like to hold a limit without over explaining.

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It also helps to understand the difference between

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a boundary and a consequence. A boundary is what

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you will do. For example, I'm not available after

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8 p .m. consequence is what follows if the boundary

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is not honored. If someone continues to contact

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you after 8 p .m. you respond the next day. You

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don't need to announce that you simply follow

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through. Following through teaches people how

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to relate to you without needing a confrontation.

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As a reminder from my last episode, there are

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also internal and external boundaries. External

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boundaries are the words you say and the observable

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actions you take. Internal boundaries are the

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limits you hold within yourself, reminding yourself

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that you're not responsible for someone else's

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emotions. As much as other people want to put

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that on you, you're not responsible for making

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someone happy. for creating a life that's free

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of challenges and you're not responsible to that

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person to handle their emotional regulation.

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Choosing not to take on a problem that isn't

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yours is healthy. Internal boundaries help you

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stay grounded even when the situation is uncomfortable.

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They're especially helpful when you can't change

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the environment. like a workplace or a family

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system or a long -term relationship. Internal

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boundaries give you a way to stay centered even

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when the dynamics around you are complicated.

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For example, reminding yourself that you're not

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responsible for that other person's emotions

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or you don't need to take on their problems that

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are not yours. You might find at first that it's

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very exhausting. You can expect some fatigue

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as you practice this. It takes energy to change

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patterns. It takes energy to hold a new limit.

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Feeling tired does not mean you are doing something

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wrong. It means you are learning something new.

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And that is where many people get stuck. You

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walk away from a conversation and think, I wish

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I had said that differently. And that's a normal

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part of learning. A misstep here and there is

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something small. Maybe you explained more than

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you needed to explain. Maybe you softened the

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boundary even though you meant to have a firm

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boundary. Maybe you said yes when you meant no.

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Maybe you felt nervous and weren't clear. You

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can always go back and clear it up. You can say,

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I realized I wasn't very clear earlier. Here's

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what I meant. Or, I explained more than I needed

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to because I felt nervous. Let me try again.

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Or I didn't say that the way I wanted to. Here's

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the boundary I'm setting. Now this isn't fixing

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the relationship, but it's about giving accurate

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information. You want to be clear, honest, without

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shame. And the more you practice this, the more

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natural it's going to feel. you'll notice that

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you're going to hesitate less. You'll notice

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that you'll recover faster. And you'll notice

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you don't need to use as many words as you think

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you do. Setting boundaries is something new for

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so many of us. And so taking the time to give

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yourself some grace is important. One of the

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places we spend most of our time is at work.

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and boundaries at work are different. Not harder,

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but they're more visible. And they sometimes

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carry more risk. You want to be professional

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and respectful, while also protecting your time

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and your privacy. So for example, when someone

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asks personal questions, there are a few practical

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approaches, including one shared by communication

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expert, Naxim Chen. One option is to shift the

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focus back to the other person. When they say

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something to you and ask you a personal question,

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just ask them what makes you curious about that.

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This will slow the moment down and places the

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responsibility back to where it started on them.

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Another option is to state your boundary directly.

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I'm not comfortable going into that. I once had

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a boss who would say, I'm not interested in that.

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You could try that. I'm not comfortable with

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that. I'm not interested in that. It's clear.

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It's professional. A third option is to block

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and redirect. Say something like, I don't usually

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discuss that. What are your thoughts on this?

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This protects your privacy and it keeps the conversation

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moving and it indicates to the person. You're

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not going to talk about that. There are also

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other workplace boundaries that you can use.

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I do understand this, that some people just don't

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have the latitude that someone else has in setting

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their own schedule. But when you do, to be able

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to say, I won't be able to take that on today,

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though I can look at it tomorrow, should be a

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valid response if you already have priorities.

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And for emotional boundaries, someone's Maybe

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approaching on you and trying to get you to get

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all involved You could say something like I want

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to be supportive Though I'm not the best person

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for this conversation. What about for role boundaries

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in today's workplace? I'm finding that with downsizing

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and more responsibilities come in a person's

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way. It's really hard to keep your roles and

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responsibilities straight and If you can say

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that's outside of my responsibilities, go for

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it. Say that. But sometimes it's not realistic.

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I get it. If you're not sure which boundary to

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use, start with the smallest one that still honors

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your limits. You can adjust as you learn what

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works. And if you want to go deeper, look for

00:17:56.240 --> 00:17:59.460
the resources that are out there to teach practical

00:17:59.460 --> 00:18:03.200
boundary skills. And not just theory. You want

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boundary skills, not the theory behind why boundaries

00:18:06.420 --> 00:18:09.779
work. And if you're navigating something complex

00:18:09.779 --> 00:18:13.420
or painful, remember a trained counselor, therapist,

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a pastor can help you sort out what is yours

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to carry and what isn't. Boundaries are a skill.

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They can be learned, they can be practiced, and

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over time they become more natural. Don't give

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up on the boundary when it gets difficult. Until

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next time, keep practicing the small steps. They

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add up. God bless and have a great week.