#46 - How to Set Healthy Boundaries Without Feeling Guilty

0:00 Thanks for listening today. Last time on the podcast I described boundaries. You might want to check out that episode. And we talked about why they feel difficult. And I felt in this time of hiatus that I took to move into my new house and get the studio set up, I've just felt like there were more things to discuss on the subject of boundaries. So today we're focusing on how to apply them and how to manage them. in some real -life situations. I'm Dr. Cory Potter, the host of the Mind and Faith Matters podcast, and as always, thank you for listening to the show. My goal in this episode is to give you simple, clear language and steps you can take in the following situations. When someone sets a boundary that you didn't even know about and things start feeling different. When you need distance from someone who is unsafe for you.

0:57 How about when you're not sure how to set a boundary yourself? And finally we're going to talk about how to set boundaries at work to keep it professional and keep the personal stuff out. So stay tuned and we'll dive into each of these. Let's start with what to do when you can tell something has shifted in a relationship. But no one has said anything directly about setting new boundaries. I often say that if we don't know the rules or we don't agree to the rules in a relationship, there's going to be misunderstandings and potential conflict. And a lot of the premarital counseling that I've done, we talk about conflict styles and how we're going to communicate. So When I talk about this first one, I think it's different in intimate long relationships with a partner a marriage partner because we should be able to openly communicate what's going on in safe healthy relationships and I don't think we need to be guessing about a new boundary that someone set but at the same time There are situations where we have a relative a friend a co -worker, an acquaintance, or someone we're getting to

2:28 know better than we did previously. And sometimes the rules change without anyone saying anything out loud to you. You might notice that a person, for example, who used to check in a lot now keeps things short. Or someone who used to make plans now avoids committing. or a friend who used to share openly now feels guarded whenever you talk. You can tell something is different, but you don't know what really has changed. The most direct, simplest approach that I can think of is to start by seeking permission. Say something like, can I check in about something I've been noticing? If they say yes, you can say something like, I care about our connection. And I want to make sure I'm responding in a way that respects you and what you need. How are things feeling for you lately? This conversation can start an open dialogue. So it keeps the conversation open without pressure. You're not asking them to justify why they're acting a certain way. You're simply opening up space for them to share if they want to. And if they explain, it's very helpful. But if they do not have the words, that's okay as well. You have to understand, they're their boundaries,

3:59 not yours. And people adjust boundaries for many reasons. Stress can put up walls and make you set more boundaries. Your capacity to handle things change over time. And life itself changes. sometimes a person finds healing and part of that healing is understanding that they had to open of boundaries and they didn't understand where they began and where they ended and where someone else began and their responsibilities are outside of my responsibilities and so healing is happening and they realize wow I had to open of or loose of boundaries and now I'm going to tighten them up. So healing is a good thing.

4:52 It just can make you feel if you're the recipient of a tighter boundary as though something's wrong, but don't take it personally. It truly is a situation where the person is healing. So always remember, sometimes it has nothing to do with you and your calm posture is what matters. You're showing respect without assuming anything. You should try that also with prayer, taking it to the Lord and asking Him to give you patience that only the Holy Spirit can provide naturally to you as you walk with Him. Next, I want to talk about something a bit more serious from my experience as a counselor. There is another type of situation that comes up often and it needs a different kind of attention Some relationships are unsafe to be in or abusive creating a safety situation When someone is toxic Abusive or threatening the priority is your safety whether emotional physical psychological spiritual Priority in these cases is always safety, not the conversation you need to have or a clarification of a boundary you may want to set, not the other person's expectation

6:24 of you. It's your safety. And in these situations, you do not have to announce a boundary. You do not have to explain yourself and you do not have to give the person a chance to respond. Many people create distance discreetly because that is the safest option. It might look like changing your routines so you're not being alone with the person. Next thing I want you to do in those situations, immediately limit what you're sharing and you may have to start reaching out to a professional or someone you can trust. And if possible, slowly reducing contact without drawing attention to it can be the case. Those are some safety strategies.

7:20 And if it is safe to say something, keep it brief. In this situation you could say, I'm not able to continue this conversation. I need some space. So you only use these if they do not increase the risk of danger. And I want to be clear about something important. If you're in a situation where you feel threatened, trapped, or unsure what to do next, a podcast is not enough support. You may need to involve people who are trained to help you stay safe. That could be a counselor, a domestic violence advocate, a pastor, a first responder. If you're in immediate danger, reaching out is an act of protection. I encourage you to reach out for help. You're taking care of your life. And if you're unsure whether something is unsafe, that in itself it's worth paying attention to. You don't really have to diagnose it. You can simply reach out to the professionals for clarity and support. And if this kind of situation shows up at work, Direct confrontation may not be possible. In those cases, internal boundaries matter. Keep communication brief and factual.

8:47 You'll want to document your interactions and you definitely want to involve human resources or a supervisor when appropriate. And it's not the supervisor that's causing the problems. You are allowed to protect yourself. with the options that are available to you at any given time. And you are allowed to create distance without announcing it. Your safety matters. And so when I'm talking about boundaries, I'm not talking about saying in unsafe situations. Now let's dive into the next type of boundary scenario.

9:27 A lot of people tell me I get the idea of boundaries. I just don't know how to do them or create them. So let's talk about that. Many people were never taught how to name their limits. So when a boundary is needed, they freeze or over explain or feel guilty. Here are the things that tend to make this easier. One of the first places to pay attention what's happening inside you. Is it resentment? Dread? Tightness? Exhaustion? These are often early signals that a limit is needed. Sometimes your body knows before your mind does. A sigh you didn't mean to make. A heaviness in your shoulders. A feeling of bracing yourself when you're around someone. These are Quiet invitations to check in with yourself. Another place to start is practicing smaller boundaries. Saying things like, I need a minute to collect your thoughts and assess a situation. To be able to say to someone, I'm not able to take that on right now, let me get back to you. That's a boundary. It's direct, it's honest, and it's enough to be understood.

10:58 Here's how it works. Small boundaries build confidence for the bigger ones. They help you learn what it feels like to hold a limit without over explaining. It also helps to understand the difference between a boundary and a consequence. A boundary is what you will do. For example, I'm not available after 8 p .m. consequence is what follows if the boundary is not honored. If someone continues to contact you after 8 p .m. you respond the next day. You don't need to announce that you simply follow through. Following through teaches people how to relate to you without needing a confrontation.

11:51 As a reminder from my last episode, there are also internal and external boundaries. External boundaries are the words you say and the observable actions you take. Internal boundaries are the limits you hold within yourself, reminding yourself that you're not responsible for someone else's emotions. As much as other people want to put that on you, you're not responsible for making someone happy. for creating a life that's free of challenges and you're not responsible to that person to handle their emotional regulation.

12:34 Choosing not to take on a problem that isn't yours is healthy. Internal boundaries help you stay grounded even when the situation is uncomfortable. They're especially helpful when you can't change the environment. like a workplace or a family system or a long -term relationship. Internal boundaries give you a way to stay centered even when the dynamics around you are complicated. For example, reminding yourself that you're not responsible for that other person's emotions or you don't need to take on their problems that are not yours. You might find at first that it's very exhausting. You can expect some fatigue as you practice this. It takes energy to change patterns. It takes energy to hold a new limit.

13:24 Feeling tired does not mean you are doing something wrong. It means you are learning something new. And that is where many people get stuck. You walk away from a conversation and think, I wish I had said that differently. And that's a normal part of learning. A misstep here and there is something small. Maybe you explained more than you needed to explain. Maybe you softened the boundary even though you meant to have a firm boundary. Maybe you said yes when you meant no. Maybe you felt nervous and weren't clear. You can always go back and clear it up. You can say, I realized I wasn't very clear earlier. Here's what I meant. Or, I explained more than I needed to because I felt nervous. Let me try again.

14:19 Or I didn't say that the way I wanted to. Here's the boundary I'm setting. Now this isn't fixing the relationship, but it's about giving accurate information. You want to be clear, honest, without shame. And the more you practice this, the more natural it's going to feel. you'll notice that you're going to hesitate less. You'll notice that you'll recover faster. And you'll notice you don't need to use as many words as you think you do. Setting boundaries is something new for so many of us. And so taking the time to give yourself some grace is important. One of the places we spend most of our time is at work.

15:12 and boundaries at work are different. Not harder, but they're more visible. And they sometimes carry more risk. You want to be professional and respectful, while also protecting your time and your privacy. So for example, when someone asks personal questions, there are a few practical approaches, including one shared by communication expert, Naxim Chen. One option is to shift the focus back to the other person. When they say something to you and ask you a personal question, just ask them what makes you curious about that.

15:52 This will slow the moment down and places the responsibility back to where it started on them. Another option is to state your boundary directly. I'm not comfortable going into that. I once had a boss who would say, I'm not interested in that. You could try that. I'm not comfortable with that. I'm not interested in that. It's clear. It's professional. A third option is to block and redirect. Say something like, I don't usually discuss that. What are your thoughts on this? This protects your privacy and it keeps the conversation moving and it indicates to the person. You're not going to talk about that. There are also other workplace boundaries that you can use.

16:43 I do understand this, that some people just don't have the latitude that someone else has in setting their own schedule. But when you do, to be able to say, I won't be able to take that on today, though I can look at it tomorrow, should be a valid response if you already have priorities. And for emotional boundaries, someone's Maybe approaching on you and trying to get you to get all involved You could say something like I want to be supportive Though I'm not the best person for this conversation. What about for role boundaries in today's workplace? I'm finding that with downsizing and more responsibilities come in a person's way. It's really hard to keep your roles and responsibilities straight and If you can say that's outside of my responsibilities, go for it. Say that. But sometimes it's not realistic.

17:44 I get it. If you're not sure which boundary to use, start with the smallest one that still honors your limits. You can adjust as you learn what works. And if you want to go deeper, look for the resources that are out there to teach practical boundary skills. And not just theory. You want boundary skills, not the theory behind why boundaries work. And if you're navigating something complex or painful, remember a trained counselor, therapist, a pastor can help you sort out what is yours to carry and what isn't. Boundaries are a skill. They can be learned, they can be practiced, and over time they become more natural. Don't give up on the boundary when it gets difficult. Until next time, keep practicing the small steps. They add up. God bless and have a great week.