#48 - Contingent Self-Worth: What Is Your Worth Tied To?

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Think about the last time something went really

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well for you. Maybe someone praised your work,

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you accomplished something that you had been

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working toward, or someone you really respect

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told you that you were doing a good job. Maybe

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what made you feel good had less to do with something

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you accomplished and more to do with how you

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felt about your appearance, feeling secure in

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a relationship, or realizing that you were financially

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in a good place. Chances are, at some point,

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at least some of those experiences made you feel

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pretty good about yourself. Now think about what

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happens when something in one of those areas

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goes the opposite direction. You make a mistake

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at work. Someone criticizes you. A relationship

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becomes sprained. Or you don't receive the recognition

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that you expected. Maybe someone else succeeds.

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in an area where you've been struggling. Where

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you go through a season when you aren't able

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to accomplish as much as you normally do. Sometimes

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the way we feel about ourselves can change right

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along with those circumstances. And there's a

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psychological concept that can help us understand

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why that happens. It's called contingent self

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-worth. And once you understand what it means,

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you may begin recognizing it. in places that

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you hadn't thought about before. Welcome to Mind

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and Faith Matters. I'm the host, Dr. Cory Potter,

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and this is a place where we explore mental health,

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faith, and all the in -between. Today I want

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to talk about this from a mental health perspective,

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primarily. I also want to consider what this

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might mean from a Christian perspective. A good

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place to begin with is asking a fairly simple

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question. What has to happen for you to feel

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good about who you are. You see, contingent self

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-worth is the idea that our sense of value can

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become tied to certain areas of our lives. When

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those things go well in those areas, we may feel

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better about ourselves. And when they don't go

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well, our sense of worth can take a hit. Researchers

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Jennifer Cocker and Connie Wolf. have studied

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several areas where this can happen, including

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approval from other people, physical appearance,

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competence, family support, morality, competition.

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For our conversation, I want to focus on a few

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that are especially easy to recognize in everyday

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life. Approval, competence, achievement, productivity,

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and being needed by other people. So let's unpack

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it. Caring about these things is normal. Most

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of us want to do well, have healthy relationships,

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and know that the people we care for and about

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value us. Accomplishing something meaningful

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can feel good, while failure, criticism, and

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rejection can hurt. at the heart of contingent

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self -worth is the question of how much we allow

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those experiences to determine how we feel about

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ourselves. Imagine that being competent is particularly

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important to you and the way you see yourself.

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And you make a pretty big mistake at work. And

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naturally, you're likely feeling frustrated or

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disappointed. but then you can begin to attach

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additional meaning to that mistake. Your thinking

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can shift from, I made a mistake and I need to

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understand what happened, to wondering whether

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you're actually capable or at least as capable

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as you thought you were. Maybe you start worrying

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that other people are going to question your

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abilities or eventually discover you aren't as

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good as you thought you were or as they thought

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you were at your job. you begin convincing yourself

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the mistake has something to do with your value

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rather than seeing it as something that needs

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to be addressed. That really can affect what

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you do next. Think about it. You might replay

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what happened over and over. You may begin working

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longer hours because you feel like you have something

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to prove. You may become defensive when someone

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gives you feedback. Or some may even hesitate

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to take on something difficult because another

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failure feels threatening. And this is one reason

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that contingent self -worth can be difficult

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to recognize. It can sometimes sit underneath

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behaviors that look very positive. Someone may

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be hard -working, dependable, generous. highly

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accomplished are always willing to help. And

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those qualities alone don't tell us what's driving

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them. Two people can work equally hard for very

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different reasons. Someone may enjoy doing excellent

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work and feel responsible for doing it well.

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Someone else may also care deeply about excellence

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while depending on success to reassure themselves

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that they're valuable. We can see the same thing

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with approval. Caring what other people think

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is part of living in relationships with people.

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That's what makes us human. When your need for

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approval becomes closely tied to your self -worth

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though, disagreement can begin to carry more

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meaning than it should. You may begin to change

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your actions and decisions to keep people happy.

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The desire for approval may keep you from setting

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much needed boundaries, and you may find yourself

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spending a lot of time wondering whether someone

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is upset with you. And what about productivity?

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It can be another source of worth. Accomplishing

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something meaningful can be satisfying, but slowing

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down may become surprisingly uncomfortable when

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productivity is helping determine how valuable

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you feel. Times of rest or simply not being productive

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can leave you feeling guilty. And let's face

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it, life happens. And major changes such as retirement,

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job loss, illness, disability, or having to take

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time to care for someone can also show you how

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closely your sense of self has become tied to

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what you're able to accomplish. Let's unpack

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helping people and caring for people. You know,

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it can be very meaningful to help people and

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care for people as part of our lives. If being

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the dependable person or the person everyone

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calls becomes one of the main ways you reassure

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yourself that you matter, boundaries may become

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harder for you. You may even take responsibility

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for problems that aren't yours. Because stepping

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away affects how you see yourself. And then there's

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comparison, of course. You can feel successful

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until you encounter someone who seems more successful

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or financially secure. And then that comparison

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lets you think, oh man, they have more. What

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about parenting? As another example, you may

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feel pretty confident about your parenting until

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another family appears to have everything figured

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out. Your circumstances didn't change. The standard

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that you were using to compare yourself with

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them did. Social media gives us an almost endless

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supply of opportunity for that kind of comparison.

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We see other people's achievements, careers,

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relationships, homes, appearances, families,

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vacations, and selected moments of their lives.

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It's curated and we may understand that we're

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seeing an incomplete picture and still use it

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standard for our lives. And this gets at one

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of the problems with contingent self -worth.

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When our sense of worth depends heavily on meeting

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certain conditions, those conditions have to

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keep being met. An accomplishment, for example,

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eventually becomes something you accomplished

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last year. An accomplishment may only reassure

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you for so long. If achievement is one of the

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main ways you maintain your sense of worth, reaching

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one goal may eventually stop feeling like enough.

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So you have to set another and another. There's

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nothing unhealthy about setting goals or wanting

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to accomplish more. What matters here is whether

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your motivation is growth and something meaningful

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to you or whether you need another accomplishment

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to keep proving your value. The standard can

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keep moving and we can find ourselves returning

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to the same areas of life again and again for

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reassurance. It can also make ordinary setbacks

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feel much more personal. There's a meaningful

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difference between recognizing I failed at something

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and concluding I'm a failure. Someone can disagree

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with a decision you've made without their disagreement

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deciding what you're worth. A day when you aren't

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very productive doesn't determine your value

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as a person for that day. We may understand those

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ideas when we hear them and still have trouble

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holding on to them when we're the person experiencing

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failure or criticism or rejection or disappointment.

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I also don't want to attribute every struggle

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with perfectionism, approval, comparison, achievement,

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or relationships to this idea of contingent self

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-worth. You see, contingent self -worth gives

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us one way of understanding what may be happening

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when our view of ourselves becomes closely tied

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to success, performance, approval, or other sources

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of validation. Recognizing the pattern is useful

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and awareness gives us a starting point. So if

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you're recognizing some of this in yourself as

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I bring it up, You may be asking, what can I

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do about it? Start by paying attention to the

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times when your opinion of yourself changes quickly.

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Instead of moving past the feeling, you should

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take a moment to intentionally reflect on what

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happened and why it affected you the way it did

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and the way you see yourself. Maybe someone criticized

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you. Maybe you did fail at something, felt rejected,

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or wrongfully compared yourself with somebody

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else. And then I want you to... Consider what

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you started telling yourself because of that

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experience. A mistake can turn into I'm incompetent.

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Rejection can become I'm unlovable. Someone else's

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success can lead you to feel like I'm falling

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behind. Needing help might become I should be

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able to handle this myself. While resting can

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leave you telling yourself that you're lazy.

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And that kind of unhealthy self -talk can take

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a specific experience and turn it into a much

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larger statement about who you are, at least

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in your own mind. You can deal honestly with

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those things and take responsibility for them

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without allowing one event, one weakness, or

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one person's opinion to determine your value

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as a person. There's another part of this that

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can easily be missed. When we feel inadequate,

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we often try to restore our sense of worth by

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reminding ourselves of what we've accomplished,

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looking for reassurance, or searching for evidence

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that we're doing better than we thought. That

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may help for a while, but if we continually need

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evidence we're valuable, we will eventually need

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another accomplishment, another compliment, or

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more reassurance. A healthier sense of self -worth

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can handle experiences that don't make us feel

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particularly good about ourselves. And one way

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to develop that healthier self -worth is to focus

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more on learning and growth when something goes

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wrong. A mistake at work may show you something

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you need to change. Conflict in a relationship

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may reveal something about how you communicate

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that needs to improve. Criticism may contain

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something useful. even when you don't agree with

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all of it. You can ask, what can I learn from

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this, before deciding what the experience says

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about you. It still leaves room for ambition,

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high standards, and doing excellent work. You're

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learning to pursue those things without requiring

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the outcome to prove your value. And you may

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need professional help, you may need counseling

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help to get there, but... Practicing these things

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can also help you to become more comfortable

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with situations that challenge the particular

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area where you've placed your worth. If you have

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a self -worth that depends heavily on approval,

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one step may be learning that someone can disagree

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with you or be disappointed with the decision

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you made while you remain confident that the

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decision was reasonable and consistent with your

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values. If productivity determines a lot of your

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self -worth, you may need to practice resting

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or having less productive times without treating

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them as evidence that you are less valuable.

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And if competence is especially important to

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your self -worth, try something new where you

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aren't immediately good at it. Being a beginner

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making mistakes or discovering that you're fairly

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average at something can help you experience

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competence as one part of your life rather than

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a measure of your value. And if being needed

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by other people is closely tied to your self

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-worth, pay attention to what happens internally

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when someone doesn't need your help or chooses

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to handle something on their own. The point here

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isn't to become less helpful, it's to pay attention

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to whether helping has also become a way of reassuring

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yourself. that you matter. In these instances,

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self -compassion can also be useful. Sometimes

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people hear that term and it assumes or they

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assume that it means excusing ourselves or lowering

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our expectations. Self -compassion still leaves

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room for accountability. It means we can acknowledge

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failure, limitation, pain, or imperfection. and

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respond to ourselves with a kind of reasonable

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care we would often extend to someone else. Think

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about someone you respect coming to you after

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making a genuine mistake. You wouldn't need to

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pretend the mistake didn't matter. You also probably

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wouldn't decide that one mistake tells you everything

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you need to know about that person's value. We

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can learn to extend that same fairness and grace

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to ourselves. Another useful shift you can make

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is paying close attention to outcomes and the

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values you want to live by. We care about outcomes,

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but we don't completely control them, if you

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think about it. You can prepare extremely well

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for an interview and still not get the job. You

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can put considerable effort into a relationship

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while the other person makes choices you can't

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control. You can do excellent work and someone

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may still criticize it. So along with asking

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yourself did something turn out the way you hoped

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Considered how you handled things that didn't

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go the way you wanted and here are some questions

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that you can ask yourself about your Activity

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in your response. Did you act with integrity?

00:17:06.829 --> 00:17:11.390
Did you treat people well? Did you put reasonable

00:17:11.390 --> 00:17:14.809
effort into what you were doing? Were you willing

00:17:14.809 --> 00:17:18.500
to learn and take responsibility? when you needed

00:17:18.500 --> 00:17:22.619
to. Those are things we have more influence over,

00:17:23.019 --> 00:17:25.480
and they give us a healthier way to evaluate

00:17:25.480 --> 00:17:28.559
our choices when the outcome isn't what we hoped

00:17:28.559 --> 00:17:32.660
for. And over time, these practices can help

00:17:32.660 --> 00:17:37.440
our sense of worth become more stable. Achievement

00:17:37.440 --> 00:17:40.279
can be meaningful without determining your value.

00:17:41.519 --> 00:17:45.000
Approval can feel good without requiring everyone

00:17:45.000 --> 00:17:49.700
to approve of us. Relationships can matter deeply

00:17:49.700 --> 00:17:52.400
without requiring another person to continually

00:17:52.400 --> 00:17:57.740
reassure us that we matter. And we can care deeply

00:17:57.740 --> 00:18:01.220
about these parts of our lives without giving

00:18:01.220 --> 00:18:04.700
them the job of telling us what we're worth.

00:18:06.380 --> 00:18:09.160
So as a believer, I want to talk about how Christians

00:18:09.160 --> 00:18:11.799
may deal with this. There's another part of the

00:18:11.799 --> 00:18:14.859
conversation because scripture gives us a reason

00:18:14.859 --> 00:18:18.880
for believing human worth. already there. In

00:18:18.880 --> 00:18:22.079
the Bible, the book of Genesis chapter 1 verses

00:18:22.079 --> 00:18:26.720
26 and 27, we're told that human beings are created

00:18:26.720 --> 00:18:32.420
in the image of God. Our dignity and worth come

00:18:32.420 --> 00:18:36.759
from God because we bear His image. We don't

00:18:36.759 --> 00:18:40.500
become valuable because we're successful, attractive,

00:18:41.079 --> 00:18:46.470
productive, useful, respected, or admired. And

00:18:46.470 --> 00:18:49.049
this isn't something Christians possess that

00:18:49.049 --> 00:18:52.589
everyone else doesn't. Every human being bears

00:18:52.589 --> 00:18:55.809
God's image, including the person who doesn't

00:18:55.809 --> 00:19:01.529
believe in God. I think that if we're honest

00:19:01.529 --> 00:19:04.410
with ourselves, we need to understand that being

00:19:04.410 --> 00:19:07.569
made in God's image doesn't mean everything we

00:19:07.569 --> 00:19:14.349
do is good. We still fail. We sin. We hurt people.

00:19:14.640 --> 00:19:18.559
We make poor decisions and sometimes we need

00:19:18.559 --> 00:19:21.720
to admit that we've been wrong and we need to

00:19:21.720 --> 00:19:26.859
make things right. But none of those things changes

00:19:26.859 --> 00:19:31.140
the source of our human worth. For Christians,

00:19:31.319 --> 00:19:34.460
our relationship with God also shapes our identity,

00:19:34.920 --> 00:19:38.259
how we understand ourselves and who we're becoming.

00:19:38.640 --> 00:19:40.660
And there's much more to say about that than

00:19:40.660 --> 00:19:44.069
I want to try to fit into this episode. Once

00:19:44.069 --> 00:19:48.490
we recognize how easily achievement, approval,

00:19:49.150 --> 00:19:51.630
relationships, appearance, success, usefulness,

00:19:51.890 --> 00:19:54.670
and other things can influence our sense of self

00:19:54.670 --> 00:19:57.509
-worth, another question begins to emerge. What

00:19:57.509 --> 00:20:01.730
else am I asking these things to give me? And

00:20:01.730 --> 00:20:04.170
that's where this conversation starts moving

00:20:04.170 --> 00:20:07.750
beyond psychology. Something can begin to influence

00:20:07.750 --> 00:20:12.589
where we place our trust, where we look for security.

00:20:13.680 --> 00:20:18.519
what receives our deepest loyalty, and ultimately

00:20:18.519 --> 00:20:22.440
how we relate to God. And that's where the subject

00:20:22.440 --> 00:20:26.180
of idolatry enters the conversation. In the next

00:20:26.180 --> 00:20:29.359
episode, we're going to look at false idols and

00:20:29.359 --> 00:20:31.740
mental health, what Scripture actually means

00:20:31.740 --> 00:20:34.539
when it talks about idolatry, and what can happen

00:20:34.539 --> 00:20:38.700
when something begins occupying a space in our

00:20:38.700 --> 00:20:42.359
lives that God intended for himself. But for

00:20:42.359 --> 00:20:45.960
now, Pay attention to what seems to have the

00:20:45.960 --> 00:20:48.920
greatest power to change the way you feel about

00:20:48.920 --> 00:20:52.599
yourself. And consider how much you rely on that

00:20:52.599 --> 00:20:57.420
part of your life to determine your value. You

00:20:57.420 --> 00:21:00.299
can care deeply about doing good work, being

00:21:00.299 --> 00:21:03.279
a good parent, having meaningful relationships,

00:21:03.880 --> 00:21:05.680
accomplishing the goals like we've talked about,

00:21:05.859 --> 00:21:09.700
taking care of yourself, and growing in the things

00:21:09.700 --> 00:21:14.380
that matter to you. Remember... Your worth doesn't

00:21:14.380 --> 00:21:17.980
have to rise and fall with how well these things

00:21:17.980 --> 00:21:23.319
are going. Thanks for spending time with me today

00:21:23.319 --> 00:21:26.740
on Mind & Faith Matters. If this episode gave

00:21:26.740 --> 00:21:30.380
you something useful to think about, maybe something

00:21:30.380 --> 00:21:34.079
to change, maybe something to discuss with a

00:21:34.079 --> 00:21:37.240
friend or a counselor, consider sharing it with

00:21:37.240 --> 00:21:40.279
someone who might appreciate the conversation.

00:21:40.490 --> 00:21:43.130
You can also subscribe or follow the podcast

00:21:43.130 --> 00:21:46.670
wherever you listen. Until next time, take care

00:21:46.670 --> 00:21:50.509
of your mind, nurture your faith, and remember

00:21:50.509 --> 00:21:54.690
that both matter and your worth is not based

00:21:54.690 --> 00:21:58.390
on performance. God bless and have a good week.