#41 - Why Grief Hurts: The Cost of Loving

0:00 Welcome to Mind and Faith Matters. I'm your host, Dr. Cory Potter. Today we're going to talk about grief. What it is, what it does to us, and how we can express our grief to God. If you have ever lost someone, watched a relationship change, or felt the quiet sadness of a chapter ending in your life, you already know something about grief. Most people think of grief as something that happens after death. Sometimes it does. A year ago, I lost my dad after a long battle with dementia. In many ways, grieving began even before his death. As conversations changed, recognition shifted, and pieces of his personality altered a bit or faded. You can find yourself missing someone who is still sitting in front of you, even though you still enjoy time in their presence.

0:58 Recently, one of my former youth group students died in a car accident at 27. It hit hard. That kind of loss comes suddenly. It disrupts plans and leaves unanswered questions. And the grief that people feel surrounding that is raw. Grief also comes from less obvious losses. Friendships can grow distant. relationships can change, a job can end unexpectedly, or maybe your role shifts a lot and sometimes a chapter of your life that you expected to continue simply comes to an end. Grief is not limited to death. So grief is the emotional cost of loving people, roles, and life stages in a world where change is inevitable. Put more simply, Grief is the emotional cost of loving in a world where change is inevitable. And some losses are ambiguous.

2:07 A person may still be here, but their relationship has changed. A marriage can drift emotionally even if it remains intact. Adult children can lose connection with parents that they still see. A role may still exist, but it no longer feels like that familiar home that you're used to. And sometimes loss comes suddenly, leaving no time to prepare. These unclear or ongoing losses can especially cause pain because nothing feels fully gone, yet nothing feels the same. Some grief is also considered disenfranchised.

2:51 meaning it doesn't always get recognized or supported by the people around us. You may grieve the end of a relationship that others didn't take seriously or feel the ache of estrangement in your family. You may mourn a loss that others overlook or minimize like a family pet. When grief is not acknowledged by your community, it can feel even heavier because you're carrying both the loss and the sense that you shouldn't be hurting. At its core, grief is our emotional, psychological, and sometimes physical response to loss. Psychologically, grief is a response to attachment. When we bond with someone, our nervous system organizes around their presence. They become part of how we experience safety and stability. When that connection changes or disappears the body reacts. You might feel an ache in your chest, heaviness in your limbs, tears that arrive without warning, tightness in your throat, or fatigue that seems out of proportion. Don't consider these responses signs of weakness. Consider them evidence of connection.

4:15 Grief can also bring intense emotional reactions. Some people experience sudden waves of anger or deep sadness. Others feel irritable, have difficulty concentrating, or have physical symptoms like headaches or changes in appetite. Intense emotions don't mean that something is wrong with you. They reflect meaningful change. as your mind and body adjust to the loss. Many people are familiar with the five stages of grief, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

4:56 This framework was originally described by psychiatrist Elizabeth Kubler -Ross to help explain common emotional responses to loss. Denial can feel like numbness or disbelief as the mind struggles to absorb What has happened? Anger may appear as frustration with circumstances other people or even with God. Bargaining often sounds like what -if thinking, replaying events and imagining how things might have turned out differently. Depression reflects the weight of the loss settling in. Acceptance does not mean the pain disappears.

5:40 It means acknowledging the reality of the loss and learning to live with it. And for some that are in it right now, you may feel like I can never learn to live in it. I'm here to bring some hope. It's important to remember that people rarely move through these stages in a neat sequence. Some people move back and forth between them. Others experience only a few. Grief does not follow a straight path. From a psychological perspective these stages describe common emotional responses to loss. From a Christian perspective they also remind us that God meets people in many different emotional places. Grief moves in waves. You may feel anger and steadiness in the same day. Relief one moment and sorrow the next. That is completely normal. In a Christian context, acceptance does not mean pretending that the loss does not hurt. It means integrating the loss into your story while acknowledging what cannot be changed and placing it in God's hands. You carry the pain honestly and place it before someone who can hold it with you. People often move back and forth between confronting loss and re -engaging in life. You may wake up

7:14 feeling steady and functional and later in that same day feel the ache return and this movement is part of how the mind and heart adapt. Faith does not eliminate those shifts between emotions, but it does help to steady us as we experience them. Some losses are visible, like death or illness. Others are harder to see. A job may unexpectedly end. A season of ministry or a time being in the place where you were making a big difference may close. In these situations, you're not only grieving what is gone, but also the life you expected to continue. Sometimes what we mourn is a chapter that will not return. And this kind of loss can also invite us into lament, which is a form of grief expressed directly to God. In scripture, we see lament throughout the Psalms. These prayers include honest questions, sorrow, and confusion spoken directly to God.

8:28 In Psalm 13, David begins with the words, how long, Lord? will you forget me forever? He openly describes his distress before turning again toward trust in God. In Psalm 42 the writer asks, why my soul are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? This psalm shows that someone can acknowledge deep inner sorrow while still directing their hope toward God. Even Jesus voiced lament on the cross when he quoted psalm 22 saying my god my god why have you forsaken me these passages show us that scripture makes room for honest grief lament means bringing that grief into relationship with god not because everything makes sense it's because we trust that he hears us god can handle your raw grief He is not unsettled by anger.

9:32 He is not threatened by questions. He is not disappointed by your tears. Expressing anger or doubt does not mean you lack faith. It is part of relating to Him honestly. It might sound like this. God, I miss them. I don't understand this. This feels so unfair. I'm angry! Help me help me to carry this Lament does not remove grief It just places our grief in the hands of the Lord Even if you're unsure what you believe I Want you to be invited and feel welcome to speak your sorrow out loud You might speak with a trusted friend Write your sorrows and grief in a journal or simply acknowledge the grief in your own thoughts. Grief becomes heavier when it's carried alone. It's important to distinguish grief from depression. Grief moves in waves and it's closely tied to loss. Depression often spreads more broadly and may include persistent helplessness, diminished self -worth, and ongoing disruption in sleep, appetite. concentration, or motivation.

10:57 In some situations, grief itself can remain intensely overwhelming for a long time, and it begins to interfere with life. And when that happens, professional support can be especially important. Thoughts of self -harm require immediate professional support. Seeking therapy or medical care during grief is really wise. God often works through clinicians, supportive communities, and practical resources. You've heard it said that people can be the hands of God, and grief cannot be solved, but it can be tended. One way we begin tending grief is by telling the truth. Sometimes that means saying out loud, I miss her, or acknowledging I'm more angry than I expected. We're admitting I feel disoriented without this role. Grief often feels more manageable when it is spoken plainly instead of carried privately. Connection also matters. Sit with someone who knows your story.

12:07 You don't have to explain everything. Presence often carries more healing than advice does. Small steps back into life matter. A short walk. Returning to one simple routine or saying yes to one invitation can help you begin to reengage in life. Reengaging does not erase the grief. It allows life to continue alongside it. Continuing bonds matter. Remember stories, carry forward values. Let the influence of those you love shape the way you live. There is also permission to experience joy without guilt. Laughing again does not diminish love. Gratitude and sorrow can exist together. Christian hope points to resurrection. Think about it, resurrection does not erase wounds. The risen Christ still bore scars. Healing and memory can exist together.

13:12 If you're grieving today, your sorrow makes sense. Grief is the emotional cost of loving in a world where change is inevitable. You do not have to rush through it. You can bring it honestly before God. Scripture shows us that God does not turn away from grief. He in fact listens to it, receives it, and He meets us within it. And I hope you find the courage to lament. I hope you have people who can sit with you. And I pray you experience the nearness of Christ who is acquainted with grief. Thank you for listening to Mind and Faith Matters. For companion resources to this episode including reflections and readings, visit mindandfaithmatters .com. All spelled out, mindandfaithmatters .com.

14:08 I want you to know that grief is part of being human and walking with God means we never carry it alone. God bless.