#20 - Why We Crave Belonging

0:04 I'm Dr. Cory Potter and today on Mind and Faith Matters, we're talking about why we crave belonging. Have you ever seen this where you're at a football stadium and your team scores a touchdown and strangers are giving each other fist bumps, high fives, hugging it out or cheers with their beers? I don't know. Maybe it's seeing bikers pass each other. I'll tell you, I was part of that community with my dad who... drove a Harley or rode a Harley what do you do you know don't don't ride into the show and say you don't drive a Harley you ride a Harley I know it was a slip of the tongue but when bikers give each other that silent nod as they pass each other I've even been part of the boaters community and we pass each other on the rivers or canals and other Do we call them crew members? Yeah, let's call them crew members for today. It sounds fancy. We'll wave at each other or salute each other or nod the same way. It's like they're saying, you and me, we're part of the same thing. There's something wired deep inside of us that loves that feeling.

1:13 I think we need it. We long to belong. And whether it's rooting for your favorite team or the same team as someone else or being part of a gym community. or local church, we're always searching for our people. So today I want to talk about why we gravitate toward tribes and teams, and what happens when we find or lose a place to truly belong. You see, belonging is a human need, psychologically. Psychologists like Maslow, for example, he ranked it right behind food safety and shelter. We need love, connection, and to feel part of something bigger than ourselves. Belonging is also biological though. Neuroscientist Matthew Lieberman found that when we feel left out or rejected, that pain registers in our brains the same way as physical injury. It affects the same part of our brain. That's why social pain, being ignored, outcast, excluded, unseen, can leave a deeper bruise than people want to admit. In fact, researchers have found that humans have this drive to form lasting and meaningful relationships. We are meant to be wanted and needed, and God built us for connection. And without it, we start to break down, whether it's emotionally, spiritually, or even physically. That's part of why we love groups. Whether it's a sports team, a CrossFit place, a motorcycle club, or a Taylor Swift fan

2:44 community, there's comfort in having people who get you, who speak your language. who are tracking along and vibing with the same things that you're into. And social identity theory says we get a lot of our self -worth from the groups we're part of. It's more than I like this, it's this is who I am. So whether you're wearing your favorite team jersey or rep in your favorite band, there's this feeling of home that comes from being among your people. When you belong, your brain releases oxytocin. the trust in bonding chemical. And that's why literally a group hug, singing with a crowd, or even marching in sync can create this rush of unity. It's like your mind is saying, yes, I'm safe. I belong here. People are drawn to groups because they reinforce who we believe we are or even who we hope to become. Whether it's a recovery group or a chat group of fellow parents, being part of it helps you with your sense of identity. And as I talk about these scripture verses, there's other things that we get, a practicality from being part of the group.

3:56 Ecclesiastes 4, 9, and 10 in the Bible says it like this, There is a practical strength to community. It's this shared work. mutual support, and resilience. And these verses align with the psychological research as well that shows people in strong social bonds cope better with stress. They recover faster from setbacks and enjoy higher levels of well -being. The Bible also says in Romans chapter 12 verses 4 and 5, for just as each of us has one body with many members and these members do not all have the same function, So in Christ we, though many, form one body and each member belongs to all the others. This is a foundational Christian image of belonging. Paul says here that we're not independent parts, but we're interconnected members of one body. Our differences, whether it be roles, gifts, or personalities, don't divide us, they complete the whole. And most importantly, we belong to each other. So, belonging isn't just about being accepted, it's about being needed, having a function, and knowing your presence matters to people around you. These verses also shift the focus from a passive inclusion to active

5:30 interdependence. As believers, we have a purpose within the community. But here's the thing, our God -given need for belonging isn't just about our interests or affinity. We're not just looking for people who like the things that we like. We're searching for something deeper, something spiritual. That's where the church comes in. Acts 2 in the Bible paints this beautiful picture of the early believers. They were eating together, praying together, and sharing everything. They weren't just attending a church event each week. They belonged to each other. They were a family.

6:11 When the church is healthy, Even today it gives us a place where we're seen and supported in the struggles that we're going through. We're nurtured spiritually and personally by other members of the family or other parts of the body if you will. Our identity is rooted in who we are in Christ and that's what brings us together. And the research actually backs this up. Harvard's human flourishing program found that regular participation in a faith community is linked to better mental health, stronger relationships, and even a longer life. People who are spiritually connected flourish more. Sociologist Emily Durkheim called it collective effervescence, the energy that bubbles up when people gather together with a shared purpose and unity. You've probably felt it in a worship service when you're singing with others and suddenly you're not just one voice, you're part of something eternal. and it just grasps at you. You feel it. In the Bible, Paul reminds us, you are no longer foreigners and strangers, but fellow citizens with God and also members of his household. In Ephesians chapter 2 verse 19, and in Hebrews chapter 10 verses 24 and 25, the Bible tells us that we should consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together as some are in the habit of doing. but encouraging one another and all the more as you see the day

7:42 approaching. We are called to be the church and belong to it and spread each other on within it. It's an active role. But there's the opposite. What happens when we don't belong? The research really paints a serious picture. Loneliness can increase your risk of anxiety, depression and even early death. Researcher John Cassioppo found that chronic loneliness can impact your immune system, your sleep, and even your ability to think clearly. When we don't have healthy connections, we sometimes attach ourselves to unhealthy versions, groups that promise identity but leave us emptier.

8:24 I sometimes think about cults and gangs and how belonging really does bring them together, but not for healthy purposes. and you have to be careful about wanting to belong so much that you're not vetting who's on the other side of that belonging and are they helping and contributing or are they taking from you and forcing you to do things you don't want to do. Some of us stay very surface level with other people. We'll smile, say how you doing in the hallway, but we never really let them in or let very few people in. So it's possible to be surrounded by people and still feel invisible. And I want to talk about work for a minute, too. For a lot of us, work is where we spend the majority of our waking hours. So when we don't feel like we belong there, like we're being left out of decisions or treating like a task rather than a person, it can leave a mark. Gallup research shows that employees who feel like they belong at work are more engaged, more productive, and far less likely to burn out. But when workers feel excluded or invisible, that's when they experience more stress, detachment, and that's when the quiet quitting shows up.

9:38 Belonging at work means being seen and valued. And sometimes it's about being asked, no really, how are you doing? And not just, is that report or project getting done? So I want to flip this for a minute. We've all felt that awkward silence when our ideas are overlooked or when people aren't listening. It can make your work feel pointless, in fact. But even in those moments, we can model something different, whether you're a leader or not. We can be the ones who offer kindness, who notice the unnoticed, who speak encouragement, even when it's not our job to do so. I find that knowing that you matter, even in a professional space, can make the ordinary feel very meaningful. So how do we move toward healthy belonging? I have some tips. Here's one shift I think we should all make. Don't always choose sameness. Pursue shared purpose. As a Christian, I say look for people who help you become more like Christ. Not just people who laugh at your jokes or like the same hobbies as you or look like you, but those who pull you toward grace and growth. My next tip, go first.

10:48 You know, belonging starts when someone is willing to take a little risk to be vulnerable and say, hey, I could use some prayer, or do you want to go grab a coffee? Or even just a simple, I see you, or acknowledging someone's idea by saying, maybe so, instead of just ignoring it. I encourage you to find more than belonging, though. I want you to create it for others. I've found that hospitality doesn't require a big house. or perfect timing. It just takes an open spirit. It says to that other person, you do matter and there's space here for you. But what if you're feeling like you need some belonging right now and you just don't know where to feel connected? Pray.

11:32 Ask God to guide you toward people that you are meant to walk with. The God of the Bible is not stingy with connection. He is connection. And in Jesus we find this in John chapter 15 verse 15. He tells his disciples, I no longer call you servants. I call you friends. This speaks to the idea of spiritual belonging. We are not on the outside looking in, but invited in to this closeness, this trust, and the shared mission with Jesus. Belonging in God's family means being wanted, known, and trusted. In Galatians 3, 28, the Bible reminds us that really there are no divisions. We are all one in Christ. It says it like this, there is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.

12:26 So true belonging in the church is inclusive, unifying, and grounded in identity in Christ. It really isn't about status, personality, preference, or even level of sin. I think we mix that up and today we try to exclude so many people from belonging because we don't like their sin as we go on sinning. So my warning to us all is we do need to find our connections so that we can actually be that place for grace and growth for others. And that means messy people are going to be in the church. as they experience more of the Bible, other believers, and the Spirit of God, the Holy Spirit in them, helping them to move towards Christ -likeness. It might get a little rough around the edges, so I want you to be more open with your belonging in your faith environment. Truly, I think we would have less suicides, less violence, less struggle, less troubles if as a community we help each other more and we made space for belonging. So where do you feel most known? Most connected? Are you just being surrounded or are you actually being seen? Well, I have some good news. You already belong in Christ. You're not an outsider. You're family. And there is room at the table for you.

13:56 I'm really glad you joined me today. If you've been craving connection, I'm talking about real, meaningful belonging. Let this be your reminder that you're not made to go it alone. Maybe today's the day that you need to reach out to someone and do something. Because that might be the very beginning of the kind of belonging your heart was made for. I say it often, take one step this week. And this time I'm asking you to take a step towards someone else. Maybe a text, a walk, an invite to go get coffee, or maybe just showing up. where people gather, even if it's awkward at first. And if this episode encouraged you, I want you to pass it along to someone who needs to hear this, that they matter, that they belong, and that they're not forgotten. I'll see you next time, but until then, reflect on this quote by Brene Brown. True belonging doesn't require you to change who you are. It requires you to be who you are. I hope God blesses you this week.

14:56 I hope you find the belonging you're looking for. Remember to visit mindandfaithmatters .com, leave comments, get the companion resource guides, and just browse old episodes, previous episodes, whatever you want to call them. I just want you to know that I'll be praying for you this week. God bless. Have a great week.