#20 - Why We Crave Belonging

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I'm Dr. Cory Potter and today on Mind and Faith

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Matters, we're talking about why we crave belonging.

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Have you ever seen this where you're at a football

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stadium and your team scores a touchdown and

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strangers are giving each other fist bumps, high

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fives, hugging it out or cheers with their beers?

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I don't know. Maybe it's seeing bikers pass each

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other. I'll tell you, I was part of that community

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with my dad who... drove a Harley or rode a Harley

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what do you do you know don't don't ride into

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the show and say you don't drive a Harley you

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ride a Harley I know it was a slip of the tongue

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but when bikers give each other that silent nod

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as they pass each other I've even been part of

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the boaters community and we pass each other

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on the rivers or canals and other Do we call

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them crew members? Yeah, let's call them crew

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members for today. It sounds fancy. We'll wave

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at each other or salute each other or nod the

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same way. It's like they're saying, you and me,

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we're part of the same thing. There's something

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wired deep inside of us that loves that feeling.

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I think we need it. We long to belong. And whether

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it's rooting for your favorite team or the same

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team as someone else or being part of a gym community.

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or local church, we're always searching for our

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people. So today I want to talk about why we

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gravitate toward tribes and teams, and what happens

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when we find or lose a place to truly belong.

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You see, belonging is a human need, psychologically.

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Psychologists like Maslow, for example, he ranked

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it right behind food safety and shelter. We need

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love, connection, and to feel part of something

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bigger than ourselves. Belonging is also biological

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though. Neuroscientist Matthew Lieberman found

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that when we feel left out or rejected, that

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pain registers in our brains the same way as

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physical injury. It affects the same part of

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our brain. That's why social pain, being ignored,

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outcast, excluded, unseen, can leave a deeper

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bruise than people want to admit. In fact, researchers

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have found that humans have this drive to form

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lasting and meaningful relationships. We are

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meant to be wanted and needed, and God built

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us for connection. And without it, we start to

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break down, whether it's emotionally, spiritually,

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or even physically. That's part of why we love

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groups. Whether it's a sports team, a CrossFit

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place, a motorcycle club, or a Taylor Swift fan

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community, there's comfort in having people who

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get you, who speak your language. who are tracking

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along and vibing with the same things that you're

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into. And social identity theory says we get

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a lot of our self -worth from the groups we're

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part of. It's more than I like this, it's this

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is who I am. So whether you're wearing your favorite

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team jersey or rep in your favorite band, there's

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this feeling of home that comes from being among

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your people. When you belong, your brain releases

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oxytocin. the trust in bonding chemical. And

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that's why literally a group hug, singing with

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a crowd, or even marching in sync can create

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this rush of unity. It's like your mind is saying,

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yes, I'm safe. I belong here. People are drawn

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to groups because they reinforce who we believe

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we are or even who we hope to become. Whether

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it's a recovery group or a chat group of fellow

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parents, being part of it helps you with your

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sense of identity. And as I talk about these

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scripture verses, there's other things that we

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get, a practicality from being part of the group.

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Ecclesiastes 4, 9, and 10 in the Bible says it

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like this, There is a practical strength to community.

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It's this shared work. mutual support, and resilience.

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And these verses align with the psychological

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research as well that shows people in strong

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social bonds cope better with stress. They recover

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faster from setbacks and enjoy higher levels

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of well -being. The Bible also says in Romans

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chapter 12 verses 4 and 5, for just as each of

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us has one body with many members and these members

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do not all have the same function, So in Christ

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we, though many, form one body and each member

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belongs to all the others. This is a foundational

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Christian image of belonging. Paul says here

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that we're not independent parts, but we're interconnected

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members of one body. Our differences, whether

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it be roles, gifts, or personalities, don't divide

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us, they complete the whole. And most importantly,

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we belong to each other. So, belonging isn't

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just about being accepted, it's about being needed,

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having a function, and knowing your presence

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matters to people around you. These verses also

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shift the focus from a passive inclusion to active

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interdependence. As believers, we have a purpose

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within the community. But here's the thing, our

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God -given need for belonging isn't just about

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our interests or affinity. We're not just looking

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for people who like the things that we like.

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We're searching for something deeper, something

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spiritual. That's where the church comes in.

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Acts 2 in the Bible paints this beautiful picture

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of the early believers. They were eating together,

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praying together, and sharing everything. They

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weren't just attending a church event each week.

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They belonged to each other. They were a family.

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When the church is healthy, Even today it gives

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us a place where we're seen and supported in

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the struggles that we're going through. We're

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nurtured spiritually and personally by other

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members of the family or other parts of the body

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if you will. Our identity is rooted in who we

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are in Christ and that's what brings us together.

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And the research actually backs this up. Harvard's

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human flourishing program found that regular

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participation in a faith community is linked

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to better mental health, stronger relationships,

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and even a longer life. People who are spiritually

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connected flourish more. Sociologist Emily Durkheim

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called it collective effervescence, the energy

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that bubbles up when people gather together with

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a shared purpose and unity. You've probably felt

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it in a worship service when you're singing with

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others and suddenly you're not just one voice,

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you're part of something eternal. and it just

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grasps at you. You feel it. In the Bible, Paul

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reminds us, you are no longer foreigners and

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strangers, but fellow citizens with God and also

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members of his household. In Ephesians chapter

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2 verse 19, and in Hebrews chapter 10 verses

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24 and 25, the Bible tells us that we should

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consider how we may spur one another on toward

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love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together

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as some are in the habit of doing. but encouraging

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one another and all the more as you see the day

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approaching. We are called to be the church and

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belong to it and spread each other on within

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it. It's an active role. But there's the opposite.

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What happens when we don't belong? The research

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really paints a serious picture. Loneliness can

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increase your risk of anxiety, depression and

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even early death. Researcher John Cassioppo found

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that chronic loneliness can impact your immune

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system, your sleep, and even your ability to

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think clearly. When we don't have healthy connections,

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we sometimes attach ourselves to unhealthy versions,

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groups that promise identity but leave us emptier.

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I sometimes think about cults and gangs and how

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belonging really does bring them together, but

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not for healthy purposes. and you have to be

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careful about wanting to belong so much that

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you're not vetting who's on the other side of

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that belonging and are they helping and contributing

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or are they taking from you and forcing you to

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do things you don't want to do. Some of us stay

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very surface level with other people. We'll smile,

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say how you doing in the hallway, but we never

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really let them in or let very few people in.

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So it's possible to be surrounded by people and

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still feel invisible. And I want to talk about

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work for a minute, too. For a lot of us, work

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is where we spend the majority of our waking

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hours. So when we don't feel like we belong there,

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like we're being left out of decisions or treating

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like a task rather than a person, it can leave

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a mark. Gallup research shows that employees

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who feel like they belong at work are more engaged,

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more productive, and far less likely to burn

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out. But when workers feel excluded or invisible,

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that's when they experience more stress, detachment,

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and that's when the quiet quitting shows up.

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Belonging at work means being seen and valued.

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And sometimes it's about being asked, no really,

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how are you doing? And not just, is that report

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or project getting done? So I want to flip this

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for a minute. We've all felt that awkward silence

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when our ideas are overlooked or when people

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aren't listening. It can make your work feel

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pointless, in fact. But even in those moments,

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we can model something different, whether you're

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a leader or not. We can be the ones who offer

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kindness, who notice the unnoticed, who speak

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encouragement, even when it's not our job to

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do so. I find that knowing that you matter, even

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in a professional space, can make the ordinary

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feel very meaningful. So how do we move toward

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healthy belonging? I have some tips. Here's one

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shift I think we should all make. Don't always

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choose sameness. Pursue shared purpose. As a

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Christian, I say look for people who help you

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become more like Christ. Not just people who

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laugh at your jokes or like the same hobbies

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as you or look like you, but those who pull you

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toward grace and growth. My next tip, go first.

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You know, belonging starts when someone is willing

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to take a little risk to be vulnerable and say,

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hey, I could use some prayer, or do you want

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to go grab a coffee? Or even just a simple, I

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see you, or acknowledging someone's idea by saying,

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maybe so, instead of just ignoring it. I encourage

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you to find more than belonging, though. I want

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you to create it for others. I've found that

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hospitality doesn't require a big house. or perfect

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timing. It just takes an open spirit. It says

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to that other person, you do matter and there's

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space here for you. But what if you're feeling

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like you need some belonging right now and you

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just don't know where to feel connected? Pray.

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Ask God to guide you toward people that you are

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meant to walk with. The God of the Bible is not

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stingy with connection. He is connection. And

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in Jesus we find this in John chapter 15 verse

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15. He tells his disciples, I no longer call

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you servants. I call you friends. This speaks

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to the idea of spiritual belonging. We are not

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on the outside looking in, but invited in to

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this closeness, this trust, and the shared mission

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with Jesus. Belonging in God's family means being

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wanted, known, and trusted. In Galatians 3, 28,

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the Bible reminds us that really there are no

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divisions. We are all one in Christ. It says

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it like this, there is neither Jew nor Gentile,

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neither slave nor free, nor is there male and

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female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.

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So true belonging in the church is inclusive,

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unifying, and grounded in identity in Christ.

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It really isn't about status, personality, preference,

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or even level of sin. I think we mix that up

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and today we try to exclude so many people from

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belonging because we don't like their sin as

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we go on sinning. So my warning to us all is

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we do need to find our connections so that we

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can actually be that place for grace and growth

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for others. And that means messy people are going

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to be in the church. as they experience more

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of the Bible, other believers, and the Spirit

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of God, the Holy Spirit in them, helping them

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to move towards Christ -likeness. It might get

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a little rough around the edges, so I want you

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to be more open with your belonging in your faith

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environment. Truly, I think we would have less

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suicides, less violence, less struggle, less

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troubles if as a community we help each other

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more and we made space for belonging. So where

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do you feel most known? Most connected? Are you

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just being surrounded or are you actually being

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seen? Well, I have some good news. You already

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belong in Christ. You're not an outsider. You're

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family. And there is room at the table for you.

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I'm really glad you joined me today. If you've

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been craving connection, I'm talking about real,

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meaningful belonging. Let this be your reminder

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that you're not made to go it alone. Maybe today's

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the day that you need to reach out to someone

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and do something. Because that might be the very

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beginning of the kind of belonging your heart

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was made for. I say it often, take one step this

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week. And this time I'm asking you to take a

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step towards someone else. Maybe a text, a walk,

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an invite to go get coffee, or maybe just showing

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up. where people gather, even if it's awkward

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at first. And if this episode encouraged you,

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I want you to pass it along to someone who needs

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to hear this, that they matter, that they belong,

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and that they're not forgotten. I'll see you

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next time, but until then, reflect on this quote

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by Brene Brown. True belonging doesn't require

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you to change who you are. It requires you to

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be who you are. I hope God blesses you this week.

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I hope you find the belonging you're looking

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for. Remember to visit mindandfaithmatters .com,

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leave comments, get the companion resource guides,

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and just browse old episodes, previous episodes,

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whatever you want to call them. I just want you

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to know that I'll be praying for you this week.

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God bless. Have a great week.