Sept. 25, 2025
#28 - Handling Disrespect

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Disrespect can show up anywhere, whether at home, in the workplace, or in daily interactions. How we respond makes all the difference. In this episode, Dr. Cory Potter explores what Scripture teaches about guarding our hearts and responding with self-control. You will also hear practical tools from communication experts on how to set boundaries, stay composed, and address disrespect without fueling conflict. Learn how to use the “mirror and window” principle, apply biblical wisdom, and keep your standards clear when disrespect comes your way.
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Welcome to the Mind and Faith Matters podcast.
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I'm really excited to share this episode with
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you. I'm your host, Dr. Cory Potter, and today
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we're talking about something really interesting
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to me. It's responding to disrespect. Now, I've
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had some experience in having to do it. I don't
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mean being disrespectful, which I probably have
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been. But really, how do I respond as a believer
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to disrespect? And it can come in many forms.
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Sharp words. sarcasm, a dismissive tone. I call
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them scoffing. Hmm. Sheesh. Eye rolls. And it
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could even be the silent treatment when someone
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appropriately should answer or respond to you.
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So whether it happens at work, in public, at
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home, no matter what, it tends to test your self
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-control. And we'll talk a little bit more about
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self -control here in a minute, but a couple
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of personal notes first. I really don't think
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of disagreement with others as being a form of
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disrespect, but it's really about how you go
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about disagreeing. For example, when I was in
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the mortgage industry, home buyers would want
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to speak to the manager, which was yours truly,
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and they would have a valid concern about not
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being told something like bad news by one of
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my loan officers until that family would get
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to the title company and have a packed up vehicle.
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So how do you respond to people when they're
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coming at you? In one particular case, I had
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this lady call up and she was screaming at me
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over the phone. She had a valid concern, but
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I really couldn't... Take care of her. I listened
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for a few minutes and then I said to her ma 'am
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I'm not gonna be spoken to that way. I want to
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help you But I'm not gonna be spoken to that
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way and she kept going I said ma 'am, I don't
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mean this rude But I don't deserve the disrespect
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that you're giving me. I'm gonna try to solve
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your problem in the third time That I had to
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stop her from yelling. I said ma 'am. I'm gonna
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have to end this call or you can until you can
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call me back and speak to me in a manner that's
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appropriate. Unfortunately in this case I ended
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up having to say ma 'am I'm going to hang up
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now because she wouldn't stop. She called back
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and we got to some resolution. We paid for certain
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things and we explained it to her employer and
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we made things right to the best that we could
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except for maybe talking to that loan officer
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at that time. That came later. But I certainly
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have had that disrespect even happen to me by
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someone I was a co -worker with in a church.
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They called expecting certain things to be a
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certain way and they were talking really down
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to me as if they had the right to do so. And
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I told that person, same kind of thing, I won't
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be spoken to that way. I didn't get rude. I held
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my composure. But how you respond does matter
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because your words and actions set the tone for
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what happens next. The Bible teaches us that
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words flow from the heart. In Luke chapter 6
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verse 45, the Bible says, out of the abundance
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of the heart, the mouth speaks. If anger, bitterness,
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or contempt are stored inside, that's what will
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surface. when you're pushed. So the way I tell
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people that I'm counseling or those that I help
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with discipling, I might say to them before responding,
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it helps to pause a minute and check your inner
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thoughts and feelings. Managing your emotional
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response allows the words you speak to reflect
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the heart of God. And that heart is being shaped
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by God rather than reactive impulses. Responding
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to disrespect starts with asking God to cleanse
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your heart. So what comes out is love, patience,
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and self -control. I know that's hard when you
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have to practice dealing sometimes with the same
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people over and over that... may be mistreating
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you through disrespect. That brings up a balance
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every believer needs. Kindness and courage. See,
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kindness shapes our tone and courage shapes our
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boundaries. So we can speak with truth, but using
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gentleness and hold firm, but do it with love.
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So it's like, be kind. but be courageous. And
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there's a Greek word, Teme, which means honor,
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value, esteem. It means recognizing someone's
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intrinsic worth, treating them with high regard,
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placing value on their person or role. And I
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believe we're called to love others and value
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others because we are all made in God's image.
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In the Bible, Romans 12, 10 says, honor one another
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above yourselves. And here, Paul calls believers
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to actively value each other, putting others'
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welfare and dignity ahead of our personal pride
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or preference. I'm pausing on purpose there because
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I really want to make sure we all understand.
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We want to respond to disrespect in a way that
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preserves this time, which means affirming your
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own and others intrinsic worth, even if someone
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else's words are harsh. For example, saying,
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I'm not OK with how that was said. It upholds
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the value of both parties. rather than simply
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retaliating. A helpful picture that Sue, my wife,
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and I used in our marriage seminars that we used
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to do is the mirror and window analogy. A mirror
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reflects back what it faces. If you reflect back
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the same tone you receive, the cycle of disrespect
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continues. But a window lets out what's inside.
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As Christians, if your heart is filled with the
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fruit of the Spirit, love, joy, peace, patience,
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kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness,
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and self -control, that is what will come through
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when pushed. So, to be honest, it takes practice,
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but we do need to start with the heart and do
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some self -examination. And if we're facing disrespect,
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in a situation, we have to be prepared. At the
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same time, you don't have to match another person's
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tone to be effective. Let me explain. Communication
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expert Vince Hsu suggests short, firm responses
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that set boundaries. Now you may need to adjust
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the wording for your context as phrasing that
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feels natural in one culture or workplace. might
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sound stiff or too formal in another. For example,
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you could say, that's not an appropriate way
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to speak to me. Translation, according to Vince,
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you can talk to me, but not down to me, he says.
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How about this? If we can't stay respectful,
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we'll need to pause. And Vince says in his translation,
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if this keeps going left, I'm walking. Kinda
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like me saying to the lady, if this keeps going
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this way, I don't deserve this. I'm not going
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to continue the conversation. How about this
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one? I'm not okay with how that was said. And
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the translation here, according to Vince, say
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that again, but this time with some respect.
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These phrases communicate respect as a standard,
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but they don't attack. they don't escalate, and
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they really do make clear expectations for the
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other person. Another trial attorney, Jefferson
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Fisher, also offers some practical tools. I'm
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quoting here from his reels, but he's also written
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a book earlier this year entitled The Next Conversation,
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Argue Less, Talk More. I really think you should
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check it out if you're facing disrespect or if
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you just want to be a better communicator. But
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in his reels he suggests that instead of saying
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I disagree When someone challenges you because
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it sounds like you're challenging the fact Try
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saying saying something like I see things differently
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It shares your perspective without shutting down
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the other person and when what they're saying
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simply isn't true You can soften it by saying
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That doesn't align with what I know according
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to Jefferson. Or you could say, I have a different
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understanding. Another important factor is power
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dynamics in communication. And communication
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researchers and psychologists point out that
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your choices are shaped by whether the other
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person has authority over you, is a peer, like
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equal, or is under your leadership. See if someone's
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above you, like a boss or an authority figure.
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and they show you disrespect, it's usually safest
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to keep your responses measured and neutral.
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You might say something like, I work best when
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communication stays respectful. And if it becomes
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a pattern, you really may need to document what's
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going on and maybe even share it with your human
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resources or human relations, employee relations,
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part of your work. But when you're dealing with
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someone on the same level as you, a coworker,
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a friend, a sibling, you probably can be more
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direct, still with kindness. I really think in
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today's world, even though some people think
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disagreement is hatred, that's not true, if you're
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direct with people, I think people want that
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without rudeness. For instance, saying, that
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comment felt disrespectful to me. Can we reset
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it? It frames the issue without escalating it.
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And if you're in a position of having more power,
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like you're a leader, a supervisor, a parent,
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or a role that you're supposed to model composure,
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that's what you need to do. You might address
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it privately by saying, I'm open to this conversation
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if we keep it respectful. I know several times
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in my life. Sue's had to remind me if I'm feeling
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snippy or if I'm being bitey. She's like, I like
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to feel like you're disrespecting me. Can you
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talk nicer to me? Very direct and maybe at the
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time I don't love to hear it, but she's right.
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The way you set boundaries without embarrassing
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the other person matters. But another effective
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tool here is silence or at least delayed response.
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Jefferson Fisher recommends waiting 10 seconds
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before responding. To disrespect, that pause
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gives you time to collect yourself, and it forces
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the other person to sit with their words of what
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they might have just said to you. In this case,
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silence shows composure and often makes the other
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person rethink their tone. And it also keeps
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you from reacting. or reacting impulsively. Sometimes
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it helps to name your standard out loud. You
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might simply say to someone, that's below my
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standard of respect, or that's below my standard
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for response, according to Jefferson Fisher.
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It communicates your values clearly. You could
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say, maybe it's something like this, I will allow
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you to try that again. I'm giving you the opportunity
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to say that to me differently. Or something like,
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I'm willing to engage in this conversation if
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you speak to me respectfully. If someone undermines
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you or puts you down, you can respond with a
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question like, how am I supposed to respond to
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that? Or what are you expecting me to say? And
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here the translation is, what was your point
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with this? Another option is, how do you feel
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when you say that? Now, Attorney Fisher says,
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you could also say, how do you feel when you
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treat me that way? And I think the translation
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here is, I'm standing my ground, and whatever
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answer they give, you don't really need to respond
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to it. And as Fisher says, let your silence be
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your response, and you can rest assured. that
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they'll think twice before doing that again.
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Now, with a bully, like someone who's really
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on that, you might take a slower approach, gently
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saying back to them, are you okay? See, that
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signals that what they said wasn't okay, or it
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isn't acceptable. You could also ask, did you
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mean to embarrass me? Did you mean for that to
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offend me or? Did you want to upset me? See these
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questions hold up a mirror so that the other
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person has to consider the consequences of their
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behavior Without mirroring their behavior if
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you understand that or it allows them to see
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Where you stand in courage and kindness through
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the window. So either way you get what I'm saying.
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And then there are the deeper reflective questions
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that you can suggest. This one I'm challenged
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with but attorney Fisher says, did you say that
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for attention or insecurity? Now I think that's
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somewhat challenging to people but it just depends
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on the situation and maybe that's what it's going
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to take. to get someone to stop and draw the
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point or the attention to the fact that it looks
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like they're seeking attention or that they're
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insecure. That's a pretty bold move in my opinion.
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But disrespect at work may look like being cut
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off in meetings all the time or even dismissive
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emails or sarcastic comments from a colleague
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or supervisor. I just want to say in those cases,
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as a believer, or as a decent human, stay calm
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and steady, especially because others may be
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watching how you respond. You know, setting these
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boundaries without hostility is an art form,
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but you can say, I'd like to continue this conversation
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when we can both focus on solutions. That's a
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good one there. If the pattern continues. Just
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try to address the behavior privately so the
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focus stays on resolution, not embarrassment.
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These tools from Fisher and Hsu are not at odds
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with scripture at all. In fact, they echo biblical
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wisdom. Pausing before responding reflects the
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call to be slow to anger found in James chapter
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1 verse 19. Naming the behavior rather than attacking
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the person mirrors Jesus's instruction to point
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a fault with gentleness. Point it out with gentleness.
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Matthew 18 verse 15. Responding from values rather
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than emotions follows the call in Romans chapter
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12 verse 17 to not repay evil with evil. And
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using a respectful tone, aligns with Colossians
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4 .6, where our speech should be full of grace.
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What communication research highlights scripture
00:18:07.920 --> 00:18:12.180
has long taught basically comes down to wisdom,
00:18:13.099 --> 00:18:16.759
gentleness, and self -control, and these shape
00:18:16.759 --> 00:18:22.640
how we respond to disrespect. Proverbs 15 verse
00:18:22.640 --> 00:18:27.799
1 says, a soft answer turns away wrath. But a
00:18:27.799 --> 00:18:33.480
harsh word stirs up anger. Romans 12 -18 reminds
00:18:33.480 --> 00:18:37.500
us to live peaceably as much as possible. So
00:18:37.500 --> 00:18:41.539
the Bible makes it clear. Our response to disrespect
00:18:41.539 --> 00:18:45.000
is not about retaliation. It's about clarity,
00:18:45.700 --> 00:18:49.140
firmness, and self -control. So here's the bottom
00:18:49.140 --> 00:18:53.279
line. Responding to disrespect is about holding
00:18:53.279 --> 00:18:56.700
to your values, honoring God with your speech,
00:18:56.960 --> 00:19:00.460
and setting a tone that can calm the situation.
00:19:01.380 --> 00:19:04.220
And that might mean guarding your heart, choosing
00:19:04.220 --> 00:19:07.519
your words carefully, pausing before you respond,
00:19:07.819 --> 00:19:11.720
and setting these clear standards. No matter
00:19:11.720 --> 00:19:16.240
if you're dealing with a boss, a peer, or someone
00:19:16.240 --> 00:19:20.119
you meet, you can protect your dignity and reflect
00:19:20.119 --> 00:19:24.900
Christ at the same time. Thanks for joining me
00:19:24.900 --> 00:19:28.279
today. I'm glad to have you here. I'm so thankful
00:19:28.279 --> 00:19:31.319
for the listeners, the shares, the likes, the
00:19:31.319 --> 00:19:36.880
follows, and I am so excited to continually bring
00:19:36.880 --> 00:19:41.640
new content to you. In the coming days, I'm going
00:19:41.640 --> 00:19:45.440
to be announcing a new way that you can get bonus
00:19:45.440 --> 00:19:52.420
content by signing up for my email list on the
00:19:52.420 --> 00:19:55.880
website, which is mind and faith matters dot
00:19:55.880 --> 00:19:59.829
com. So visit mindandfaithmatters .com. Be one
00:19:59.829 --> 00:20:02.569
of the early people that signed up to receive
00:20:02.569 --> 00:20:06.109
the emails from me, and if you do, you'll have
00:20:06.109 --> 00:20:10.150
access to my bonus content. I'm excited for this
00:20:10.150 --> 00:20:13.470
next phase of what I'm doing. Over the holidays,
00:20:13.849 --> 00:20:17.289
I'm going to end season one and get ready for
00:20:17.289 --> 00:20:21.230
season two. Do some sabbatical type lead, but
00:20:21.230 --> 00:20:23.950
I'm still going. This is episode 28 and there's
00:20:23.950 --> 00:20:27.279
more to come in season one. God bless. Remember,
00:20:28.079 --> 00:20:31.700
your mind matters and your faith matters. Have
00:20:31.700 --> 00:20:32.299
a great week.
00:00:04.900 --> 00:00:07.040
Welcome to the Mind and Faith Matters podcast.
00:00:07.179 --> 00:00:09.259
I'm really excited to share this episode with
00:00:09.259 --> 00:00:12.320
you. I'm your host, Dr. Cory Potter, and today
00:00:12.320 --> 00:00:14.060
we're talking about something really interesting
00:00:14.060 --> 00:00:19.059
to me. It's responding to disrespect. Now, I've
00:00:19.059 --> 00:00:21.699
had some experience in having to do it. I don't
00:00:21.699 --> 00:00:24.100
mean being disrespectful, which I probably have
00:00:24.100 --> 00:00:27.800
been. But really, how do I respond as a believer
00:00:27.800 --> 00:00:31.079
to disrespect? And it can come in many forms.
00:00:32.280 --> 00:00:39.740
Sharp words. sarcasm, a dismissive tone. I call
00:00:39.740 --> 00:00:45.359
them scoffing. Hmm. Sheesh. Eye rolls. And it
00:00:45.359 --> 00:00:47.179
could even be the silent treatment when someone
00:00:47.179 --> 00:00:50.060
appropriately should answer or respond to you.
00:00:50.619 --> 00:00:55.439
So whether it happens at work, in public, at
00:00:55.439 --> 00:00:59.939
home, no matter what, it tends to test your self
00:00:59.939 --> 00:01:04.349
-control. And we'll talk a little bit more about
00:01:04.349 --> 00:01:06.170
self -control here in a minute, but a couple
00:01:06.170 --> 00:01:09.450
of personal notes first. I really don't think
00:01:09.450 --> 00:01:12.829
of disagreement with others as being a form of
00:01:12.829 --> 00:01:16.030
disrespect, but it's really about how you go
00:01:16.030 --> 00:01:21.409
about disagreeing. For example, when I was in
00:01:21.409 --> 00:01:23.849
the mortgage industry, home buyers would want
00:01:23.849 --> 00:01:27.230
to speak to the manager, which was yours truly,
00:01:27.590 --> 00:01:31.709
and they would have a valid concern about not
00:01:31.709 --> 00:01:36.170
being told something like bad news by one of
00:01:36.170 --> 00:01:40.650
my loan officers until that family would get
00:01:40.650 --> 00:01:43.349
to the title company and have a packed up vehicle.
00:01:45.349 --> 00:01:48.590
So how do you respond to people when they're
00:01:48.590 --> 00:01:51.269
coming at you? In one particular case, I had
00:01:51.269 --> 00:01:54.030
this lady call up and she was screaming at me
00:01:54.030 --> 00:01:58.150
over the phone. She had a valid concern, but
00:01:58.150 --> 00:02:00.810
I really couldn't... Take care of her. I listened
00:02:00.810 --> 00:02:04.590
for a few minutes and then I said to her ma 'am
00:02:04.590 --> 00:02:07.430
I'm not gonna be spoken to that way. I want to
00:02:07.430 --> 00:02:10.110
help you But I'm not gonna be spoken to that
00:02:10.110 --> 00:02:14.370
way and she kept going I said ma 'am, I don't
00:02:14.370 --> 00:02:17.750
mean this rude But I don't deserve the disrespect
00:02:17.750 --> 00:02:19.889
that you're giving me. I'm gonna try to solve
00:02:19.889 --> 00:02:25.469
your problem in the third time That I had to
00:02:25.469 --> 00:02:27.830
stop her from yelling. I said ma 'am. I'm gonna
00:02:27.830 --> 00:02:30.889
have to end this call or you can until you can
00:02:30.889 --> 00:02:34.569
call me back and speak to me in a manner that's
00:02:34.569 --> 00:02:37.229
appropriate. Unfortunately in this case I ended
00:02:37.229 --> 00:02:39.509
up having to say ma 'am I'm going to hang up
00:02:39.509 --> 00:02:43.250
now because she wouldn't stop. She called back
00:02:43.250 --> 00:02:47.770
and we got to some resolution. We paid for certain
00:02:47.770 --> 00:02:51.210
things and we explained it to her employer and
00:02:51.210 --> 00:02:55.009
we made things right to the best that we could
00:02:55.009 --> 00:02:58.060
except for maybe talking to that loan officer
00:02:58.060 --> 00:03:02.039
at that time. That came later. But I certainly
00:03:02.039 --> 00:03:05.840
have had that disrespect even happen to me by
00:03:05.840 --> 00:03:08.379
someone I was a co -worker with in a church.
00:03:09.219 --> 00:03:11.199
They called expecting certain things to be a
00:03:11.199 --> 00:03:13.280
certain way and they were talking really down
00:03:13.280 --> 00:03:17.340
to me as if they had the right to do so. And
00:03:17.340 --> 00:03:19.699
I told that person, same kind of thing, I won't
00:03:19.699 --> 00:03:23.500
be spoken to that way. I didn't get rude. I held
00:03:23.500 --> 00:03:27.419
my composure. But how you respond does matter
00:03:27.419 --> 00:03:32.139
because your words and actions set the tone for
00:03:32.139 --> 00:03:35.039
what happens next. The Bible teaches us that
00:03:35.039 --> 00:03:40.919
words flow from the heart. In Luke chapter 6
00:03:40.919 --> 00:03:43.900
verse 45, the Bible says, out of the abundance
00:03:43.900 --> 00:03:49.139
of the heart, the mouth speaks. If anger, bitterness,
00:03:49.719 --> 00:03:53.419
or contempt are stored inside, that's what will
00:03:53.419 --> 00:03:57.960
surface. when you're pushed. So the way I tell
00:03:57.960 --> 00:04:02.719
people that I'm counseling or those that I help
00:04:02.719 --> 00:04:06.740
with discipling, I might say to them before responding,
00:04:07.740 --> 00:04:11.460
it helps to pause a minute and check your inner
00:04:11.460 --> 00:04:16.439
thoughts and feelings. Managing your emotional
00:04:16.439 --> 00:04:20.459
response allows the words you speak to reflect
00:04:20.459 --> 00:04:26.699
the heart of God. And that heart is being shaped
00:04:26.699 --> 00:04:31.579
by God rather than reactive impulses. Responding
00:04:31.579 --> 00:04:35.079
to disrespect starts with asking God to cleanse
00:04:35.079 --> 00:04:39.720
your heart. So what comes out is love, patience,
00:04:40.180 --> 00:04:45.879
and self -control. I know that's hard when you
00:04:45.879 --> 00:04:48.319
have to practice dealing sometimes with the same
00:04:48.319 --> 00:04:54.160
people over and over that... may be mistreating
00:04:54.160 --> 00:04:57.360
you through disrespect. That brings up a balance
00:04:57.360 --> 00:05:03.000
every believer needs. Kindness and courage. See,
00:05:03.980 --> 00:05:08.180
kindness shapes our tone and courage shapes our
00:05:08.180 --> 00:05:14.579
boundaries. So we can speak with truth, but using
00:05:14.579 --> 00:05:18.879
gentleness and hold firm, but do it with love.
00:05:19.560 --> 00:05:24.019
So it's like, be kind. but be courageous. And
00:05:24.019 --> 00:05:28.759
there's a Greek word, Teme, which means honor,
00:05:28.959 --> 00:05:32.980
value, esteem. It means recognizing someone's
00:05:32.980 --> 00:05:36.740
intrinsic worth, treating them with high regard,
00:05:37.639 --> 00:05:44.579
placing value on their person or role. And I
00:05:44.579 --> 00:05:47.220
believe we're called to love others and value
00:05:47.220 --> 00:05:50.579
others because we are all made in God's image.
00:05:50.699 --> 00:05:55.060
In the Bible, Romans 12, 10 says, honor one another
00:05:55.060 --> 00:05:59.360
above yourselves. And here, Paul calls believers
00:05:59.360 --> 00:06:03.139
to actively value each other, putting others'
00:06:03.879 --> 00:06:07.439
welfare and dignity ahead of our personal pride
00:06:07.439 --> 00:06:15.079
or preference. I'm pausing on purpose there because
00:06:15.079 --> 00:06:20.829
I really want to make sure we all understand.
00:06:22.810 --> 00:06:25.449
We want to respond to disrespect in a way that
00:06:25.449 --> 00:06:31.509
preserves this time, which means affirming your
00:06:31.509 --> 00:06:36.370
own and others intrinsic worth, even if someone
00:06:36.370 --> 00:06:41.269
else's words are harsh. For example, saying,
00:06:42.149 --> 00:06:46.149
I'm not OK with how that was said. It upholds
00:06:46.149 --> 00:06:50.519
the value of both parties. rather than simply
00:06:50.519 --> 00:06:56.480
retaliating. A helpful picture that Sue, my wife,
00:06:56.519 --> 00:06:59.560
and I used in our marriage seminars that we used
00:06:59.560 --> 00:07:05.620
to do is the mirror and window analogy. A mirror
00:07:05.620 --> 00:07:10.740
reflects back what it faces. If you reflect back
00:07:10.740 --> 00:07:14.540
the same tone you receive, the cycle of disrespect
00:07:14.540 --> 00:07:19.970
continues. But a window lets out what's inside.
00:07:20.670 --> 00:07:24.269
As Christians, if your heart is filled with the
00:07:24.269 --> 00:07:28.089
fruit of the Spirit, love, joy, peace, patience,
00:07:28.329 --> 00:07:30.389
kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness,
00:07:30.629 --> 00:07:34.850
and self -control, that is what will come through
00:07:34.850 --> 00:07:39.790
when pushed. So, to be honest, it takes practice,
00:07:39.889 --> 00:07:43.990
but we do need to start with the heart and do
00:07:43.990 --> 00:07:47.750
some self -examination. And if we're facing disrespect,
00:07:47.759 --> 00:07:52.540
in a situation, we have to be prepared. At the
00:07:52.540 --> 00:07:56.839
same time, you don't have to match another person's
00:07:56.839 --> 00:08:02.120
tone to be effective. Let me explain. Communication
00:08:02.120 --> 00:08:07.060
expert Vince Hsu suggests short, firm responses
00:08:07.060 --> 00:08:10.339
that set boundaries. Now you may need to adjust
00:08:10.339 --> 00:08:13.959
the wording for your context as phrasing that
00:08:13.959 --> 00:08:17.360
feels natural in one culture or workplace. might
00:08:17.360 --> 00:08:21.519
sound stiff or too formal in another. For example,
00:08:21.620 --> 00:08:24.220
you could say, that's not an appropriate way
00:08:24.220 --> 00:08:28.720
to speak to me. Translation, according to Vince,
00:08:29.379 --> 00:08:32.820
you can talk to me, but not down to me, he says.
00:08:34.720 --> 00:08:37.539
How about this? If we can't stay respectful,
00:08:38.059 --> 00:08:43.879
we'll need to pause. And Vince says in his translation,
00:08:44.399 --> 00:08:49.389
if this keeps going left, I'm walking. Kinda
00:08:49.389 --> 00:08:52.210
like me saying to the lady, if this keeps going
00:08:52.210 --> 00:08:54.590
this way, I don't deserve this. I'm not going
00:08:54.590 --> 00:08:57.710
to continue the conversation. How about this
00:08:57.710 --> 00:09:02.190
one? I'm not okay with how that was said. And
00:09:02.190 --> 00:09:04.610
the translation here, according to Vince, say
00:09:04.610 --> 00:09:07.950
that again, but this time with some respect.
00:09:09.590 --> 00:09:13.009
These phrases communicate respect as a standard,
00:09:13.570 --> 00:09:17.710
but they don't attack. they don't escalate, and
00:09:17.710 --> 00:09:20.529
they really do make clear expectations for the
00:09:20.529 --> 00:09:23.690
other person. Another trial attorney, Jefferson
00:09:23.690 --> 00:09:27.629
Fisher, also offers some practical tools. I'm
00:09:27.629 --> 00:09:30.889
quoting here from his reels, but he's also written
00:09:30.889 --> 00:09:34.750
a book earlier this year entitled The Next Conversation,
00:09:34.990 --> 00:09:37.789
Argue Less, Talk More. I really think you should
00:09:37.789 --> 00:09:40.850
check it out if you're facing disrespect or if
00:09:40.850 --> 00:09:43.190
you just want to be a better communicator. But
00:09:43.190 --> 00:09:45.710
in his reels he suggests that instead of saying
00:09:45.710 --> 00:09:50.429
I disagree When someone challenges you because
00:09:50.429 --> 00:09:53.289
it sounds like you're challenging the fact Try
00:09:53.289 --> 00:09:57.210
saying saying something like I see things differently
00:09:57.210 --> 00:10:01.990
It shares your perspective without shutting down
00:10:01.990 --> 00:10:04.110
the other person and when what they're saying
00:10:04.110 --> 00:10:07.809
simply isn't true You can soften it by saying
00:10:07.809 --> 00:10:12.019
That doesn't align with what I know according
00:10:12.019 --> 00:10:14.539
to Jefferson. Or you could say, I have a different
00:10:14.539 --> 00:10:19.419
understanding. Another important factor is power
00:10:19.419 --> 00:10:22.480
dynamics in communication. And communication
00:10:22.480 --> 00:10:25.419
researchers and psychologists point out that
00:10:25.419 --> 00:10:28.980
your choices are shaped by whether the other
00:10:28.980 --> 00:10:32.740
person has authority over you, is a peer, like
00:10:32.740 --> 00:10:37.019
equal, or is under your leadership. See if someone's
00:10:37.019 --> 00:10:39.940
above you, like a boss or an authority figure.
00:10:40.940 --> 00:10:44.120
and they show you disrespect, it's usually safest
00:10:44.120 --> 00:10:47.639
to keep your responses measured and neutral.
00:10:49.379 --> 00:10:52.659
You might say something like, I work best when
00:10:52.659 --> 00:10:56.820
communication stays respectful. And if it becomes
00:10:56.820 --> 00:11:01.840
a pattern, you really may need to document what's
00:11:01.840 --> 00:11:05.179
going on and maybe even share it with your human
00:11:05.179 --> 00:11:08.980
resources or human relations, employee relations,
00:11:09.580 --> 00:11:12.799
part of your work. But when you're dealing with
00:11:12.799 --> 00:11:17.200
someone on the same level as you, a coworker,
00:11:17.220 --> 00:11:20.419
a friend, a sibling, you probably can be more
00:11:20.419 --> 00:11:25.679
direct, still with kindness. I really think in
00:11:25.679 --> 00:11:28.000
today's world, even though some people think
00:11:28.000 --> 00:11:32.360
disagreement is hatred, that's not true, if you're
00:11:32.360 --> 00:11:35.740
direct with people, I think people want that
00:11:35.740 --> 00:11:39.019
without rudeness. For instance, saying, that
00:11:39.019 --> 00:11:42.500
comment felt disrespectful to me. Can we reset
00:11:42.500 --> 00:11:47.759
it? It frames the issue without escalating it.
00:11:48.159 --> 00:11:50.960
And if you're in a position of having more power,
00:11:51.720 --> 00:11:53.759
like you're a leader, a supervisor, a parent,
00:11:53.980 --> 00:11:57.379
or a role that you're supposed to model composure,
00:11:57.659 --> 00:11:59.960
that's what you need to do. You might address
00:11:59.960 --> 00:12:04.159
it privately by saying, I'm open to this conversation
00:12:04.159 --> 00:12:07.940
if we keep it respectful. I know several times
00:12:07.940 --> 00:12:11.549
in my life. Sue's had to remind me if I'm feeling
00:12:11.549 --> 00:12:15.870
snippy or if I'm being bitey. She's like, I like
00:12:15.870 --> 00:12:19.230
to feel like you're disrespecting me. Can you
00:12:19.230 --> 00:12:23.929
talk nicer to me? Very direct and maybe at the
00:12:23.929 --> 00:12:25.970
time I don't love to hear it, but she's right.
00:12:26.929 --> 00:12:29.750
The way you set boundaries without embarrassing
00:12:29.750 --> 00:12:33.929
the other person matters. But another effective
00:12:33.929 --> 00:12:38.330
tool here is silence or at least delayed response.
00:12:38.779 --> 00:12:41.799
Jefferson Fisher recommends waiting 10 seconds
00:12:41.799 --> 00:12:46.700
before responding. To disrespect, that pause
00:12:46.700 --> 00:12:49.840
gives you time to collect yourself, and it forces
00:12:49.840 --> 00:12:53.980
the other person to sit with their words of what
00:12:53.980 --> 00:12:57.500
they might have just said to you. In this case,
00:12:57.740 --> 00:13:00.919
silence shows composure and often makes the other
00:13:00.919 --> 00:13:06.639
person rethink their tone. And it also keeps
00:13:06.639 --> 00:13:12.940
you from reacting. or reacting impulsively. Sometimes
00:13:12.940 --> 00:13:18.820
it helps to name your standard out loud. You
00:13:18.820 --> 00:13:21.159
might simply say to someone, that's below my
00:13:21.159 --> 00:13:25.019
standard of respect, or that's below my standard
00:13:25.019 --> 00:13:28.039
for response, according to Jefferson Fisher.
00:13:29.299 --> 00:13:33.919
It communicates your values clearly. You could
00:13:33.919 --> 00:13:36.440
say, maybe it's something like this, I will allow
00:13:36.440 --> 00:13:40.179
you to try that again. I'm giving you the opportunity
00:13:40.179 --> 00:13:44.100
to say that to me differently. Or something like,
00:13:44.600 --> 00:13:47.259
I'm willing to engage in this conversation if
00:13:47.259 --> 00:13:52.379
you speak to me respectfully. If someone undermines
00:13:52.379 --> 00:13:55.399
you or puts you down, you can respond with a
00:13:55.399 --> 00:13:59.159
question like, how am I supposed to respond to
00:13:59.159 --> 00:14:04.059
that? Or what are you expecting me to say? And
00:14:04.059 --> 00:14:06.659
here the translation is, what was your point
00:14:06.659 --> 00:14:12.120
with this? Another option is, how do you feel
00:14:12.120 --> 00:14:15.779
when you say that? Now, Attorney Fisher says,
00:14:16.100 --> 00:14:18.240
you could also say, how do you feel when you
00:14:18.240 --> 00:14:22.659
treat me that way? And I think the translation
00:14:22.659 --> 00:14:26.139
here is, I'm standing my ground, and whatever
00:14:26.139 --> 00:14:29.340
answer they give, you don't really need to respond
00:14:29.340 --> 00:14:33.379
to it. And as Fisher says, let your silence be
00:14:33.379 --> 00:14:36.759
your response, and you can rest assured. that
00:14:36.759 --> 00:14:38.879
they'll think twice before doing that again.
00:14:40.279 --> 00:14:43.019
Now, with a bully, like someone who's really
00:14:43.019 --> 00:14:48.240
on that, you might take a slower approach, gently
00:14:48.240 --> 00:14:53.360
saying back to them, are you okay? See, that
00:14:53.360 --> 00:14:57.740
signals that what they said wasn't okay, or it
00:14:57.740 --> 00:15:02.379
isn't acceptable. You could also ask, did you
00:15:02.379 --> 00:15:07.440
mean to embarrass me? Did you mean for that to
00:15:07.440 --> 00:15:14.279
offend me or? Did you want to upset me? See these
00:15:14.279 --> 00:15:18.340
questions hold up a mirror so that the other
00:15:18.340 --> 00:15:21.659
person has to consider the consequences of their
00:15:21.659 --> 00:15:25.779
behavior Without mirroring their behavior if
00:15:25.779 --> 00:15:30.139
you understand that or it allows them to see
00:15:30.139 --> 00:15:34.779
Where you stand in courage and kindness through
00:15:34.779 --> 00:15:38.620
the window. So either way you get what I'm saying.
00:15:39.679 --> 00:15:42.360
And then there are the deeper reflective questions
00:15:42.360 --> 00:15:48.759
that you can suggest. This one I'm challenged
00:15:48.759 --> 00:15:52.100
with but attorney Fisher says, did you say that
00:15:52.100 --> 00:15:55.720
for attention or insecurity? Now I think that's
00:15:55.720 --> 00:16:00.580
somewhat challenging to people but it just depends
00:16:00.580 --> 00:16:03.500
on the situation and maybe that's what it's going
00:16:03.500 --> 00:16:07.929
to take. to get someone to stop and draw the
00:16:07.929 --> 00:16:10.629
point or the attention to the fact that it looks
00:16:10.629 --> 00:16:12.730
like they're seeking attention or that they're
00:16:12.730 --> 00:16:15.909
insecure. That's a pretty bold move in my opinion.
00:16:16.690 --> 00:16:19.789
But disrespect at work may look like being cut
00:16:19.789 --> 00:16:23.250
off in meetings all the time or even dismissive
00:16:23.250 --> 00:16:27.750
emails or sarcastic comments from a colleague
00:16:27.750 --> 00:16:32.129
or supervisor. I just want to say in those cases,
00:16:32.309 --> 00:16:36.129
as a believer, or as a decent human, stay calm
00:16:36.129 --> 00:16:39.929
and steady, especially because others may be
00:16:39.929 --> 00:16:44.769
watching how you respond. You know, setting these
00:16:44.769 --> 00:16:47.350
boundaries without hostility is an art form,
00:16:47.610 --> 00:16:50.929
but you can say, I'd like to continue this conversation
00:16:50.929 --> 00:16:55.490
when we can both focus on solutions. That's a
00:16:55.490 --> 00:17:02.240
good one there. If the pattern continues. Just
00:17:02.240 --> 00:17:05.440
try to address the behavior privately so the
00:17:05.440 --> 00:17:08.599
focus stays on resolution, not embarrassment.
00:17:10.420 --> 00:17:15.720
These tools from Fisher and Hsu are not at odds
00:17:15.720 --> 00:17:18.700
with scripture at all. In fact, they echo biblical
00:17:18.700 --> 00:17:23.259
wisdom. Pausing before responding reflects the
00:17:23.259 --> 00:17:26.740
call to be slow to anger found in James chapter
00:17:26.740 --> 00:17:31.369
1 verse 19. Naming the behavior rather than attacking
00:17:31.369 --> 00:17:35.150
the person mirrors Jesus's instruction to point
00:17:35.150 --> 00:17:40.930
a fault with gentleness. Point it out with gentleness.
00:17:41.369 --> 00:17:46.730
Matthew 18 verse 15. Responding from values rather
00:17:46.730 --> 00:17:50.910
than emotions follows the call in Romans chapter
00:17:50.910 --> 00:17:56.569
12 verse 17 to not repay evil with evil. And
00:17:56.569 --> 00:17:59.420
using a respectful tone, aligns with Colossians
00:17:59.420 --> 00:18:03.579
4 .6, where our speech should be full of grace.
00:18:05.440 --> 00:18:07.920
What communication research highlights scripture
00:18:07.920 --> 00:18:12.180
has long taught basically comes down to wisdom,
00:18:13.099 --> 00:18:16.759
gentleness, and self -control, and these shape
00:18:16.759 --> 00:18:22.640
how we respond to disrespect. Proverbs 15 verse
00:18:22.640 --> 00:18:27.799
1 says, a soft answer turns away wrath. But a
00:18:27.799 --> 00:18:33.480
harsh word stirs up anger. Romans 12 -18 reminds
00:18:33.480 --> 00:18:37.500
us to live peaceably as much as possible. So
00:18:37.500 --> 00:18:41.539
the Bible makes it clear. Our response to disrespect
00:18:41.539 --> 00:18:45.000
is not about retaliation. It's about clarity,
00:18:45.700 --> 00:18:49.140
firmness, and self -control. So here's the bottom
00:18:49.140 --> 00:18:53.279
line. Responding to disrespect is about holding
00:18:53.279 --> 00:18:56.700
to your values, honoring God with your speech,
00:18:56.960 --> 00:19:00.460
and setting a tone that can calm the situation.
00:19:01.380 --> 00:19:04.220
And that might mean guarding your heart, choosing
00:19:04.220 --> 00:19:07.519
your words carefully, pausing before you respond,
00:19:07.819 --> 00:19:11.720
and setting these clear standards. No matter
00:19:11.720 --> 00:19:16.240
if you're dealing with a boss, a peer, or someone
00:19:16.240 --> 00:19:20.119
you meet, you can protect your dignity and reflect
00:19:20.119 --> 00:19:24.900
Christ at the same time. Thanks for joining me
00:19:24.900 --> 00:19:28.279
today. I'm glad to have you here. I'm so thankful
00:19:28.279 --> 00:19:31.319
for the listeners, the shares, the likes, the
00:19:31.319 --> 00:19:36.880
follows, and I am so excited to continually bring
00:19:36.880 --> 00:19:41.640
new content to you. In the coming days, I'm going
00:19:41.640 --> 00:19:45.440
to be announcing a new way that you can get bonus
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content by signing up for my email list on the
00:19:52.420 --> 00:19:55.880
website, which is mind and faith matters dot
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com. So visit mindandfaithmatters .com. Be one
00:19:59.829 --> 00:20:02.569
of the early people that signed up to receive
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the emails from me, and if you do, you'll have
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access to my bonus content. I'm excited for this
00:20:10.150 --> 00:20:13.470
next phase of what I'm doing. Over the holidays,
00:20:13.849 --> 00:20:17.289
I'm going to end season one and get ready for
00:20:17.289 --> 00:20:21.230
season two. Do some sabbatical type lead, but
00:20:21.230 --> 00:20:23.950
I'm still going. This is episode 28 and there's
00:20:23.950 --> 00:20:27.279
more to come in season one. God bless. Remember,
00:20:28.079 --> 00:20:31.700
your mind matters and your faith matters. Have
00:20:31.700 --> 00:20:32.299
a great week.