#28 - Handling Disrespect

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Welcome to the Mind and Faith Matters podcast.

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I'm really excited to share this episode with

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you. I'm your host, Dr. Cory Potter, and today

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we're talking about something really interesting

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to me. It's responding to disrespect. Now, I've

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had some experience in having to do it. I don't

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mean being disrespectful, which I probably have

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been. But really, how do I respond as a believer

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to disrespect? And it can come in many forms.

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Sharp words. sarcasm, a dismissive tone. I call

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them scoffing. Hmm. Sheesh. Eye rolls. And it

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could even be the silent treatment when someone

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appropriately should answer or respond to you.

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So whether it happens at work, in public, at

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home, no matter what, it tends to test your self

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-control. And we'll talk a little bit more about

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self -control here in a minute, but a couple

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of personal notes first. I really don't think

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of disagreement with others as being a form of

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disrespect, but it's really about how you go

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about disagreeing. For example, when I was in

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the mortgage industry, home buyers would want

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to speak to the manager, which was yours truly,

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and they would have a valid concern about not

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being told something like bad news by one of

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my loan officers until that family would get

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to the title company and have a packed up vehicle.

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So how do you respond to people when they're

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coming at you? In one particular case, I had

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this lady call up and she was screaming at me

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over the phone. She had a valid concern, but

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I really couldn't... Take care of her. I listened

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for a few minutes and then I said to her ma 'am

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I'm not gonna be spoken to that way. I want to

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help you But I'm not gonna be spoken to that

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way and she kept going I said ma 'am, I don't

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mean this rude But I don't deserve the disrespect

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that you're giving me. I'm gonna try to solve

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your problem in the third time That I had to

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stop her from yelling. I said ma 'am. I'm gonna

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have to end this call or you can until you can

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call me back and speak to me in a manner that's

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appropriate. Unfortunately in this case I ended

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up having to say ma 'am I'm going to hang up

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now because she wouldn't stop. She called back

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and we got to some resolution. We paid for certain

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things and we explained it to her employer and

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we made things right to the best that we could

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except for maybe talking to that loan officer

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at that time. That came later. But I certainly

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have had that disrespect even happen to me by

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someone I was a co -worker with in a church.

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They called expecting certain things to be a

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certain way and they were talking really down

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to me as if they had the right to do so. And

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I told that person, same kind of thing, I won't

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be spoken to that way. I didn't get rude. I held

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my composure. But how you respond does matter

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because your words and actions set the tone for

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what happens next. The Bible teaches us that

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words flow from the heart. In Luke chapter 6

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verse 45, the Bible says, out of the abundance

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of the heart, the mouth speaks. If anger, bitterness,

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or contempt are stored inside, that's what will

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surface. when you're pushed. So the way I tell

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people that I'm counseling or those that I help

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with discipling, I might say to them before responding,

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it helps to pause a minute and check your inner

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thoughts and feelings. Managing your emotional

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response allows the words you speak to reflect

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the heart of God. And that heart is being shaped

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by God rather than reactive impulses. Responding

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to disrespect starts with asking God to cleanse

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your heart. So what comes out is love, patience,

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and self -control. I know that's hard when you

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have to practice dealing sometimes with the same

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people over and over that... may be mistreating

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you through disrespect. That brings up a balance

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every believer needs. Kindness and courage. See,

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kindness shapes our tone and courage shapes our

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boundaries. So we can speak with truth, but using

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gentleness and hold firm, but do it with love.

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So it's like, be kind. but be courageous. And

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there's a Greek word, Teme, which means honor,

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value, esteem. It means recognizing someone's

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intrinsic worth, treating them with high regard,

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placing value on their person or role. And I

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believe we're called to love others and value

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others because we are all made in God's image.

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In the Bible, Romans 12, 10 says, honor one another

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above yourselves. And here, Paul calls believers

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to actively value each other, putting others'

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welfare and dignity ahead of our personal pride

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or preference. I'm pausing on purpose there because

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I really want to make sure we all understand.

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We want to respond to disrespect in a way that

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preserves this time, which means affirming your

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own and others intrinsic worth, even if someone

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else's words are harsh. For example, saying,

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I'm not OK with how that was said. It upholds

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the value of both parties. rather than simply

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retaliating. A helpful picture that Sue, my wife,

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and I used in our marriage seminars that we used

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to do is the mirror and window analogy. A mirror

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reflects back what it faces. If you reflect back

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the same tone you receive, the cycle of disrespect

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continues. But a window lets out what's inside.

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As Christians, if your heart is filled with the

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fruit of the Spirit, love, joy, peace, patience,

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kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness,

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and self -control, that is what will come through

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when pushed. So, to be honest, it takes practice,

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but we do need to start with the heart and do

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some self -examination. And if we're facing disrespect,

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in a situation, we have to be prepared. At the

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same time, you don't have to match another person's

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tone to be effective. Let me explain. Communication

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expert Vince Hsu suggests short, firm responses

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that set boundaries. Now you may need to adjust

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the wording for your context as phrasing that

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feels natural in one culture or workplace. might

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sound stiff or too formal in another. For example,

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you could say, that's not an appropriate way

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to speak to me. Translation, according to Vince,

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you can talk to me, but not down to me, he says.

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How about this? If we can't stay respectful,

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we'll need to pause. And Vince says in his translation,

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if this keeps going left, I'm walking. Kinda

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like me saying to the lady, if this keeps going

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this way, I don't deserve this. I'm not going

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to continue the conversation. How about this

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one? I'm not okay with how that was said. And

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the translation here, according to Vince, say

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that again, but this time with some respect.

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These phrases communicate respect as a standard,

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but they don't attack. they don't escalate, and

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they really do make clear expectations for the

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other person. Another trial attorney, Jefferson

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Fisher, also offers some practical tools. I'm

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quoting here from his reels, but he's also written

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a book earlier this year entitled The Next Conversation,

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Argue Less, Talk More. I really think you should

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check it out if you're facing disrespect or if

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you just want to be a better communicator. But

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in his reels he suggests that instead of saying

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I disagree When someone challenges you because

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it sounds like you're challenging the fact Try

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saying saying something like I see things differently

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It shares your perspective without shutting down

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the other person and when what they're saying

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simply isn't true You can soften it by saying

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That doesn't align with what I know according

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to Jefferson. Or you could say, I have a different

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understanding. Another important factor is power

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dynamics in communication. And communication

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researchers and psychologists point out that

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your choices are shaped by whether the other

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person has authority over you, is a peer, like

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equal, or is under your leadership. See if someone's

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above you, like a boss or an authority figure.

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and they show you disrespect, it's usually safest

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to keep your responses measured and neutral.

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You might say something like, I work best when

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communication stays respectful. And if it becomes

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a pattern, you really may need to document what's

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going on and maybe even share it with your human

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resources or human relations, employee relations,

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part of your work. But when you're dealing with

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someone on the same level as you, a coworker,

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a friend, a sibling, you probably can be more

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direct, still with kindness. I really think in

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today's world, even though some people think

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disagreement is hatred, that's not true, if you're

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direct with people, I think people want that

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without rudeness. For instance, saying, that

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comment felt disrespectful to me. Can we reset

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it? It frames the issue without escalating it.

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And if you're in a position of having more power,

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like you're a leader, a supervisor, a parent,

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or a role that you're supposed to model composure,

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that's what you need to do. You might address

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it privately by saying, I'm open to this conversation

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if we keep it respectful. I know several times

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in my life. Sue's had to remind me if I'm feeling

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snippy or if I'm being bitey. She's like, I like

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to feel like you're disrespecting me. Can you

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talk nicer to me? Very direct and maybe at the

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time I don't love to hear it, but she's right.

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The way you set boundaries without embarrassing

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the other person matters. But another effective

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tool here is silence or at least delayed response.

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Jefferson Fisher recommends waiting 10 seconds

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before responding. To disrespect, that pause

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gives you time to collect yourself, and it forces

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the other person to sit with their words of what

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they might have just said to you. In this case,

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silence shows composure and often makes the other

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person rethink their tone. And it also keeps

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you from reacting. or reacting impulsively. Sometimes

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it helps to name your standard out loud. You

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might simply say to someone, that's below my

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standard of respect, or that's below my standard

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for response, according to Jefferson Fisher.

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It communicates your values clearly. You could

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say, maybe it's something like this, I will allow

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you to try that again. I'm giving you the opportunity

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to say that to me differently. Or something like,

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I'm willing to engage in this conversation if

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you speak to me respectfully. If someone undermines

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you or puts you down, you can respond with a

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question like, how am I supposed to respond to

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that? Or what are you expecting me to say? And

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here the translation is, what was your point

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with this? Another option is, how do you feel

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when you say that? Now, Attorney Fisher says,

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you could also say, how do you feel when you

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treat me that way? And I think the translation

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here is, I'm standing my ground, and whatever

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answer they give, you don't really need to respond

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to it. And as Fisher says, let your silence be

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your response, and you can rest assured. that

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they'll think twice before doing that again.

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Now, with a bully, like someone who's really

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on that, you might take a slower approach, gently

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saying back to them, are you okay? See, that

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signals that what they said wasn't okay, or it

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isn't acceptable. You could also ask, did you

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mean to embarrass me? Did you mean for that to

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offend me or? Did you want to upset me? See these

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questions hold up a mirror so that the other

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person has to consider the consequences of their

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behavior Without mirroring their behavior if

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you understand that or it allows them to see

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Where you stand in courage and kindness through

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the window. So either way you get what I'm saying.

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And then there are the deeper reflective questions

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that you can suggest. This one I'm challenged

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with but attorney Fisher says, did you say that

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for attention or insecurity? Now I think that's

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somewhat challenging to people but it just depends

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on the situation and maybe that's what it's going

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to take. to get someone to stop and draw the

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point or the attention to the fact that it looks

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like they're seeking attention or that they're

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insecure. That's a pretty bold move in my opinion.

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But disrespect at work may look like being cut

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off in meetings all the time or even dismissive

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emails or sarcastic comments from a colleague

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or supervisor. I just want to say in those cases,

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as a believer, or as a decent human, stay calm

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and steady, especially because others may be

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watching how you respond. You know, setting these

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boundaries without hostility is an art form,

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but you can say, I'd like to continue this conversation

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when we can both focus on solutions. That's a

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good one there. If the pattern continues. Just

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try to address the behavior privately so the

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focus stays on resolution, not embarrassment.

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These tools from Fisher and Hsu are not at odds

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with scripture at all. In fact, they echo biblical

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wisdom. Pausing before responding reflects the

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call to be slow to anger found in James chapter

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1 verse 19. Naming the behavior rather than attacking

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the person mirrors Jesus's instruction to point

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a fault with gentleness. Point it out with gentleness.

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Matthew 18 verse 15. Responding from values rather

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than emotions follows the call in Romans chapter

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12 verse 17 to not repay evil with evil. And

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using a respectful tone, aligns with Colossians

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4 .6, where our speech should be full of grace.

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What communication research highlights scripture

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has long taught basically comes down to wisdom,

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gentleness, and self -control, and these shape

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how we respond to disrespect. Proverbs 15 verse

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1 says, a soft answer turns away wrath. But a

00:18:27.799 --> 00:18:33.480
harsh word stirs up anger. Romans 12 -18 reminds

00:18:33.480 --> 00:18:37.500
us to live peaceably as much as possible. So

00:18:37.500 --> 00:18:41.539
the Bible makes it clear. Our response to disrespect

00:18:41.539 --> 00:18:45.000
is not about retaliation. It's about clarity,

00:18:45.700 --> 00:18:49.140
firmness, and self -control. So here's the bottom

00:18:49.140 --> 00:18:53.279
line. Responding to disrespect is about holding

00:18:53.279 --> 00:18:56.700
to your values, honoring God with your speech,

00:18:56.960 --> 00:19:00.460
and setting a tone that can calm the situation.

00:19:01.380 --> 00:19:04.220
And that might mean guarding your heart, choosing

00:19:04.220 --> 00:19:07.519
your words carefully, pausing before you respond,

00:19:07.819 --> 00:19:11.720
and setting these clear standards. No matter

00:19:11.720 --> 00:19:16.240
if you're dealing with a boss, a peer, or someone

00:19:16.240 --> 00:19:20.119
you meet, you can protect your dignity and reflect

00:19:20.119 --> 00:19:24.900
Christ at the same time. Thanks for joining me

00:19:24.900 --> 00:19:28.279
today. I'm glad to have you here. I'm so thankful

00:19:28.279 --> 00:19:31.319
for the listeners, the shares, the likes, the

00:19:31.319 --> 00:19:36.880
follows, and I am so excited to continually bring

00:19:36.880 --> 00:19:41.640
new content to you. In the coming days, I'm going

00:19:41.640 --> 00:19:45.440
to be announcing a new way that you can get bonus

00:19:45.440 --> 00:19:52.420
content by signing up for my email list on the

00:19:52.420 --> 00:19:55.880
website, which is mind and faith matters dot

00:19:55.880 --> 00:19:59.829
com. So visit mindandfaithmatters .com. Be one

00:19:59.829 --> 00:20:02.569
of the early people that signed up to receive

00:20:02.569 --> 00:20:06.109
the emails from me, and if you do, you'll have

00:20:06.109 --> 00:20:10.150
access to my bonus content. I'm excited for this

00:20:10.150 --> 00:20:13.470
next phase of what I'm doing. Over the holidays,

00:20:13.849 --> 00:20:17.289
I'm going to end season one and get ready for

00:20:17.289 --> 00:20:21.230
season two. Do some sabbatical type lead, but

00:20:21.230 --> 00:20:23.950
I'm still going. This is episode 28 and there's

00:20:23.950 --> 00:20:27.279
more to come in season one. God bless. Remember,

00:20:28.079 --> 00:20:31.700
your mind matters and your faith matters. Have

00:20:31.700 --> 00:20:32.299
a great week.