#17 - Checking In: Real Talk with Two Men

WEBVTT

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Welcome to Mind and Faith Matters. I'm Dr. Cory

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Potter, the host, and today I'm talking to my

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nephew, Dr. Joe Weaver, and we're just doing

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a check -in just to talk about our emotions,

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our mental health, being dads, being husbands,

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and he shares some really awesome practical advice

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about reaching out and checking in and helping

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others. So as you listen to today's episode,

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I want you to... enjoy and think about what are

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some ways that I could just do a quick check

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in with my friends, my family, and just to make

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sure that they're doing okay, and I'm offering

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them a listening ear support and the ability

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to know that they're loved and cared for. So

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take a listen. Oh, hey there, didn't see you.

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Hey, welcome. So I want to introduce you, this

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is... My nephew, Dr. Joe Weaver, he's a professor,

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the father of five, which I have my Cliffnote

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version, four girls. So he was a girl dad and

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then his fifth, correct, son. That's right. Yeah.

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I have two girls. And today we're going to be

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talking on the podcast about parenting and fatherhood

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and husbandry, just being husbands. I think husbandry

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is raising animals for like livestock. I mean,

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I do have a big dog who's kind of wooly like

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a sheep, but yeah. Well, so when I was in the

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classroom, I was told I had dad jokes and I know.

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Oh man, we're too similar. Yeah. Yeah. It's funny

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because we have not really talked ever about

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parenting or about being a husband. Other than

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I just ask if your kid was talking to you before

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we first started. Other than that, I really haven't

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asked you questions. So, all right, let's just

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set the record straight here. First, I wanna

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know on a scale of one to, oh, let's go 1 ,000,

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right? Okay. One to 1 ,000, how manly of a man

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are you, in your own opinion? Well, this is going

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to come off as fence sitting, but I'm going to

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go with maybe 550. Don't let the beard kid you.

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I barely see it. Oh, I know your beard. Yeah,

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I have one too. Yeah, maybe that's the problem.

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Maybe if I grew it a little bit more like yours,

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I'd be up to 600. Well, no, I don't know what

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I am. Thanks for asking. But I do think that.

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I was raised by a single mom. I had two sisters

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and then I raised girls with a female wife. So

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I was around females other than we had a male

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dog and he was not as manly of a male dog. You

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know, very sensitive. But I'm a sensitive guy.

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But I don't even know what we're gonna define

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as masculine or manly or macho. I just... I think,

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coming at it, I'm probably midway there too.

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I'll give myself a 551. I think because the beard...

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What is this? Price is right? Come on. Yeah.

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I'm one more manly out of a thousand than you.

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Literally one -upping. I mean, I don't know if

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there is a clear definition of that. It is. And

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I am doing it. I'm hosting. So I decided... That's

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fair. Yeah. So I'm predicting now that you actually

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are the type of parent husband where you're a

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little bit more in touch with your emotions or

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the fact that you're sensitive to others' emotions.

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I don't think that makes us less manly or more

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manly. We're just maybe we're the type of people

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that are in tuned a little bit with how we're

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feeling, how people are thinking. Is that fair

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to say about you? Or maybe I should just ask

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because that's where I'm at. And you don't have

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to be like me, but it'd be nice if you went along

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with it. I will go along and it's also true.

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I think that we do have a lot of those underlying

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characteristics that are pretty similar. I think

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that's probably why we both went into people

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oriented professions, psychology specifically.

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I'm always curious about what people are thinking

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and feeling and emotion and emotion regulation

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is one of my areas of research. So it pairs pretty

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well with that. And I say that sometimes it's

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annoying. I don't know why I'm laughing. Uncomfortable

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laugh. It's annoying to some people in my life

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that I'm constantly like, you know, giving them

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the the one over of like, I wonder what they're

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really feeling right now or feeling a bit of

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my own frustration when other people aren't as

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open with like expressing their particular feelings.

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So in a traditional point of view, I would say

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that that puts me pretty low on a masculinity

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type of scale because our cultural expectations

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I think for a lot of people for old school masculinity

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is that you're quiet and you're strong and you're

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unshakable and I don't know you're just kind

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of there but not necessarily very interactive

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you're kind of like an oak tree I guess that

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from that viewpoint but uh not really how I roll

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I guess okay yeah that I like that when you mow

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or work around the house, do you ever do that

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shirtless? Now I'm keeping this PG, I just have

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a question. No, I don't. I used to, so when I

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was in high school, I had a landscaping job for

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a summer, but just a little bit of a nerd alert.

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About halfway through my landscaping job, I got

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a job from the same employer to compile his pictures

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from an Alaska trip into like one of those slideshows

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with music, Ken Burns style. Not that I was bad

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at the landscaping bit, but I'm glad I did get

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that shift because when I did it shirtless, I

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had huge blisters all over my back. Terrible

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sunburns. But also my wife's family has a history

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of skin cancer that's probably related to sun

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exposure. So pretty, pretty consistent that I'm

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wearing a shirt. Also, I don't know if this is

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considered PG or not. Let's just say I have some

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more traditional masculinity in terms of back

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hair Another reason why I'm trying to be kind

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to those around me, and I'll keep a shirt on

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well I'll tell you why I ask it's kind of funny,

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and I do respect my dad, but when we were talking

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about even his obituary We I had to control the

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idea that you know he was proud that he kept

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his physique in shape, which men should be proud

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of. Any person should be proud if they keep their

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physique in shape. But there was talk about his

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shirtless mowing. I think I put it in the eulogy

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during the funeral, but it didn't make it into

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the obituary. And so I was going to joke about

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our masculinity and ask if you go shirtless.

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I, for two reasons... And you've covered the

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one. I mean, there are manscapers. I'm just saying

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I need to get sponsored by a manscaping trimmer

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brand or something. Harry's. I think Harry's

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is a brand for manscaping things. Whole body

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scapes. Yeah, body scaping. But I too have issues.

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Apparently that's genetic and it must have come

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from my side of the family and part two I Don't

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always lift weights. I do sometimes but I've

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been Not recently and so I can get a little When

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they say sore on the eyes, there's different

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levels of that I I Should wear a turtleneck.

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That's all I'm saying if I am out outside so

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yeah testing our masculinity, I think I I don't

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really have much else to say. I do find out by

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the way that I'm short. I found that out. Just

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now? Yes. I mean people have been really pulling

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the wool over your eyes I think. I don't have

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a Napoleon complex. I think we should disclose

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here for just a second why it's shocking that

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you're short because how tall was grandpa? 6

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'2". In his prime. 6 '2", 6 '3", yeah. Well,

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and there are pictures with my brothers and myself

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and my dad and everyone's over six but because

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of my disability, I have broad shoulders but

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I'm short and I think it has to do with that.

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I'm going to use that as well as the excuse.

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I don't share the same disability that you have

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but I don't know what happened. My mom clearly

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in the lineage shared many genes with the grandpa

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and with you but I should be taller. I've got

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these ape -like arms that have, I don't know,

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probably a 6 '2 arm span. And my feet are sized,

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I wear size 12 shoes. But I'm only 5 '9". My

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dad, he's 6'. I don't know, there's some kind

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of like weird lottery that I lost. You might

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not have a Napoleon complex, but I've still got

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this inferiority complex that's really pushing

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hard here. I'm glad you brought this up. How

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long of a session do we have to talk about my

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issues? Well, we can cut it up into like a family

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counseling series if we need to, that's fine.

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I wanted to... I'm gonna let it go. I don't even

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remember why I brought up that I'm short. It

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was a confession. I'm sorry. No, it's fine. Derailing

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here. I just don't know why I'm short. No, I

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don't know why that was part of the... the thing

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the the manly the not manly i don't know i don't

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know but now now everyone knows my my secrets

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about being short well i will say that there's

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i i can't quote any studies on this but there

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are um there are studies showing that people

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who are taller tend to have more social prestige

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and they tend to get promotions more often and

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have a higher salary all things being equal so

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I don't know, there's some value definitely placed

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on being tall, and I think that goes within that

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masculinity bucket that you're just supposed

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to be this imposing figure. Yeah, that's so true.

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There are some talented guys that I know that

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are CEOs and higher -ups in the fields that I've

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been in that deserve it. It wasn't just because

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they were tall, but people perceive that as being...

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more authoritarian and more in control. But at

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the same time, I've known some that I'm like,

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that dude just, he passed the height test, that's

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about it. That's about it because he wasn't leading

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as well as he needed to. Like how I look, that's

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not really what this is about and how I wanted

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to find what we're talking about. I really think

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you and I may approach the... parenting style

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I'm not gonna go into how do you discipline your

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kids but being that we both are men of faith

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and we actually share maybe some different denominational

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differences. Yeah I mean just to put it out there

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so we were Catholic. No I'm just kidding. My

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dad's family was Catholic and I kind of but I

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have been in other I don't know what I'm gonna

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say other flavors. Christianity. Yeah, so I think

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I've got pretty good exposure across the board.

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So with your kids, how does your psychology and

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what you know about emotions and thoughts, how

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does that match up with your faith in how you

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raise your kids? Just in general, it doesn't

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have to be too scientific. Yeah. Well, I'm thinking

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about a study from 1962. I'm kidding. I'm not.

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But actually, Bindura does come to mind and we

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kind of model things and how our behaviors get

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passed on generationally just from observing

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what our parents do. But I'll say that, yes,

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you can go in the pool. Remember sunscreen. this

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is not every enactment of something that happened

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this is actual it is not it will it'll happen

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again I'm sure I'm glad she asked though that's

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good right I mean that's a good sign yeah yeah

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and so in terms of like matchup I think it really

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comes down to really honoring everybody as a

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person you know as their own unique creature

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and understanding that we've all got different

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things that are going on in our lives, even when

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you're, you know, our little list is four. And

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he's got a really full life. You know, there's

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a lot of things that are going on for him all

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the time. And I will say though, that Jenny and

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I have one line that I think is pretty firm in

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terms of, you know, you can feel the things that

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you're gonna feel and you can have ideas and

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opinions and you can express about those. But

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like one thing that we... really fall back on

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is that you need to treat each other with kindness.

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So that's one. You asked me before about the

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dad voice, but that's one of the times where

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the dad voice will come out. Especially just

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because I know that being a girl dad and a lot

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of the social things that they're in the mix

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of just from being girls of a certain age. but

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I see it come out sometimes at home and you know

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it's just like a okay stop what we're doing think

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about what you just said why you said it and

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you know coming back to just there should be

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love and kindness like that should be the baseline

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yeah there's deviations from that obviously but

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you know that's what we try to stay at for today's

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listeners because we're doing more of a casual

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discussion I didn't push record at first and

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we had this Great initial conversation that didn't

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make it was so good. I mean probably would have

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changed some people's lives I'm thinking it would

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and in that I did talk about Do you actually

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have a dad voice and you you told me that you

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had two? One is the attention grabber. Hey, let's

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make sure that we stop what we're doing and then

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there's the more contemplative, you know, I'm

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about to I'm about to lay down some wisdom and

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I think I'm laying down wisdom for sure Yeah.

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And by the way, I went ahead and got my notes

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off my phone. The one scripture I was talking

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about is in Ephesians 6 -4, Fathers, do not exasperate.

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I always want to say exacerbate, but exasperate

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your children. Instead, bring them up in the

00:16:13.440 --> 00:16:16.659
training and instruction of the Lord, which love

00:16:16.659 --> 00:16:20.279
and how we treat each other is right there in

00:16:20.279 --> 00:16:23.350
it. And train. up a child in the way he should

00:16:23.350 --> 00:16:25.649
go even when he is old he will not depart from

00:16:25.649 --> 00:16:31.230
it proverbs 22 6 so there's this idea do as I

00:16:31.230 --> 00:16:35.769
say not as I do that's not really I think that's

00:16:35.769 --> 00:16:43.690
everybody's yeah our dream yes but how has having

00:16:43.690 --> 00:16:47.669
16 children I'm just kidding five children how

00:16:47.669 --> 00:16:53.539
had I know you like that movie gremlins i think

00:16:53.539 --> 00:16:55.259
that's what may have happened one of them got

00:16:55.259 --> 00:16:57.379
wet after midnight or no just what in general

00:16:57.379 --> 00:17:02.779
eight after midnight it just appeared wow no

00:17:02.779 --> 00:17:05.640
i know how things happen i'm not asking oh okay

00:17:05.640 --> 00:17:07.740
so i wasn't you said keeping a pg i wasn't sure

00:17:07.740 --> 00:17:11.559
if we needed to have a cover story oh okay a

00:17:11.559 --> 00:17:14.200
little aside here for just a second that's fine

00:17:14.200 --> 00:17:19.380
one of my colleagues um when we I made the announcement

00:17:19.380 --> 00:17:22.279
that we were expecting Alfie, who's our youngest.

00:17:23.859 --> 00:17:26.680
She took me aside and she gave me this kind of

00:17:26.680 --> 00:17:30.059
sideways look and she's of Italian descent. She's

00:17:30.059 --> 00:17:34.259
also very short, which again, maybe there's some

00:17:34.259 --> 00:17:37.799
of those genes in the mix too. My dad claims

00:17:37.799 --> 00:17:40.180
that I have all kinds of genes from all different

00:17:40.180 --> 00:17:43.089
walks of life. in the gene pool. So who knows

00:17:43.089 --> 00:17:45.890
what lottery again I struck there. But she took

00:17:45.890 --> 00:17:47.869
me aside and she looks up at me. But with this

00:17:47.869 --> 00:17:49.289
kind of stern look, she's like, you know how

00:17:49.289 --> 00:17:53.349
it works, right? Almost as if we were surprised

00:17:53.349 --> 00:17:58.390
that another kid was coming out. But yeah, no,

00:17:58.569 --> 00:18:01.930
not 16. And we do know how it works. And they

00:18:01.930 --> 00:18:05.809
were intentional. And they're here. Yeah. But

00:18:05.809 --> 00:18:08.690
with those kids did that change you from how

00:18:08.690 --> 00:18:12.869
you like your high school college joe versus

00:18:12.869 --> 00:18:17.049
married father joe because i've changed a lot

00:18:17.049 --> 00:18:20.630
since the high school college corey and so how

00:18:20.630 --> 00:18:22.529
has having kids that's what i'm trying to get

00:18:22.529 --> 00:18:27.269
out here but yeah how's having kids changed you

00:18:27.269 --> 00:18:29.329
well i think that i always knew that i wanted

00:18:29.329 --> 00:18:32.509
to have kids i thought it was going to be maybe

00:18:32.509 --> 00:18:36.609
three my wife came in with let's have six and

00:18:36.609 --> 00:18:41.109
we compromised with five. Okay. Which, you know,

00:18:41.250 --> 00:18:46.089
fine, it's close, it's in the middle. But I would

00:18:46.089 --> 00:18:50.950
say before it was a lot more, it was okay that

00:18:50.950 --> 00:18:54.650
it was me, you know, that I was the focus and

00:18:54.650 --> 00:18:57.369
almost maybe expected. I think when you're of

00:18:57.369 --> 00:19:00.289
a certain age and you don't have that other responsibility,

00:19:01.130 --> 00:19:03.349
some expectations that you're supposed to go

00:19:03.349 --> 00:19:06.880
and do and be something. More than what you might

00:19:06.880 --> 00:19:11.859
have been in that earlier era But yeah, our first

00:19:11.859 --> 00:19:17.099
was born right before I graduated from graduate

00:19:17.099 --> 00:19:22.319
school like a week early and It was a pretty

00:19:22.319 --> 00:19:25.079
monumental shift right away that that was gonna

00:19:25.079 --> 00:19:30.019
be the the big focus and it continues to be Hi,

00:19:30.099 --> 00:19:35.140
Olivia. I Think you'll be okay without that And

00:19:35.140 --> 00:19:39.539
see, it's about the kids. And that's okay. It

00:19:39.539 --> 00:19:44.759
is, that's fine. I love it. So what changed in

00:19:44.759 --> 00:19:48.859
you? The focus became about your providing for

00:19:48.859 --> 00:19:50.700
your family. Is that what you're suggesting?

00:19:51.279 --> 00:19:54.119
Or being available for them? How did that change

00:19:54.119 --> 00:19:58.940
you? Yeah, I think definitely the on -call 24

00:19:58.940 --> 00:20:03.200
-7 of not just, you know, assistance in the world,

00:20:03.220 --> 00:20:06.900
but just you know, all of you for all of them.

00:20:07.920 --> 00:20:09.599
You know what I mean? Not to say that I don't

00:20:09.599 --> 00:20:11.920
have things that are separate from kids, you

00:20:11.920 --> 00:20:13.619
know, I don't have a lot of interest in a lot

00:20:13.619 --> 00:20:19.900
of things that I do, honestly. But it's a pretty

00:20:19.900 --> 00:20:27.779
clear calling to be that open and available.

00:20:29.019 --> 00:20:31.859
I can't say... And it would be misleading to

00:20:31.859 --> 00:20:33.740
say that I don't get frustrated sometimes when

00:20:33.740 --> 00:20:36.779
those things collide, you know, the needs of

00:20:36.779 --> 00:20:39.640
the work versus the needs of kids or the needs

00:20:39.640 --> 00:20:41.859
of friends or family and the needs of my own

00:20:41.859 --> 00:20:44.160
kids, you know, that we all have to juggle those

00:20:44.160 --> 00:20:48.579
things. But here's my this is kind of morbid.

00:20:48.759 --> 00:20:52.799
It's maybe a bit of a stoic thing to think about

00:20:52.799 --> 00:20:56.319
when you lose stuff. But when I think about the

00:20:56.319 --> 00:20:58.920
things I put my time into and what might go away.

00:20:59.160 --> 00:21:01.039
I mean, the thing that I'm most concerned about

00:21:01.039 --> 00:21:03.700
is how are the kids going to be? You know, like,

00:21:03.839 --> 00:21:07.839
so I could do more things at work, but I don't

00:21:07.839 --> 00:21:10.339
know, I could get fired or, you know, my university

00:21:10.339 --> 00:21:12.259
could close or who knows all those things that

00:21:12.259 --> 00:21:14.279
could happen. But my kids are still going to

00:21:14.279 --> 00:21:19.039
be part of my life. Yeah. I think that's that's

00:21:19.039 --> 00:21:21.420
healthy. I'm always been a workaholic. I just

00:21:21.420 --> 00:21:23.960
putting it out there. I work a lot of hours.

00:21:24.000 --> 00:21:29.609
I put a lot of. Activities in my life. And so

00:21:29.609 --> 00:21:33.970
when my oldest was young, she's 28 now, when

00:21:33.970 --> 00:21:39.049
she was young. I'm really upset. I'm sorry. That

00:21:39.049 --> 00:21:40.690
makes it sound like you had a kid when you're

00:21:40.690 --> 00:21:44.029
like, you know, 12, because you just still have

00:21:44.029 --> 00:21:47.109
some jet black hair going on and quite a bit

00:21:47.109 --> 00:21:49.009
of it still. So for you to say that your oldest

00:21:49.009 --> 00:21:51.710
is 28 and mine's only 12. And I feel like we

00:21:51.710 --> 00:21:54.170
look like we're I might be your older brother.

00:21:54.269 --> 00:21:59.920
I mean, it's hard to say. Well, thanks for. I'm

00:21:59.920 --> 00:22:02.099
gonna interrupt myself to say, I used to have

00:22:02.099 --> 00:22:04.980
someone that would say, you dye your hair like

00:22:04.980 --> 00:22:07.720
that. I said, I don't, I don't need to. Like

00:22:07.720 --> 00:22:10.319
it just, I look like a skunk. Like that's just

00:22:10.319 --> 00:22:12.200
how it is. I have the same thing. Mine's just

00:22:12.200 --> 00:22:15.339
really short, but I have the same markings. Although

00:22:15.339 --> 00:22:18.220
I've got some weird red going on over here. Again,

00:22:18.539 --> 00:22:21.380
I'm not redheaded, but I've got like a calico

00:22:21.380 --> 00:22:25.279
cat beard, I guess. Nice. I think that probably

00:22:25.279 --> 00:22:29.240
makes your manliness go up a little bit. We can

00:22:29.240 --> 00:22:36.859
think of that genus. Patchy beard. Oh, so I interrupted

00:22:36.859 --> 00:22:40.339
myself once again to not remember the trail that

00:22:40.339 --> 00:22:43.000
I was. Oh, sure. Well, I'll catch you back up

00:22:43.000 --> 00:22:45.380
because I was having a similar train of thought

00:22:45.380 --> 00:22:47.240
here. But you're talking about being a workaholic

00:22:47.240 --> 00:22:49.599
and doing a lot of activities, a lot of things

00:22:49.599 --> 00:22:51.720
going on in your life until. Yeah, I was that

00:22:51.720 --> 00:22:56.039
way. And I realized I didn't experience some

00:22:56.039 --> 00:23:00.259
things. with Ashlyn I wasn't there as much as

00:23:00.259 --> 00:23:03.960
I needed to be and so there was a shift that

00:23:03.960 --> 00:23:06.799
happened unfortunately it was after she was a

00:23:06.799 --> 00:23:08.680
toddler I mean I spent time with her don't get

00:23:08.680 --> 00:23:12.200
me wrong we did play we you know I had my cuddle

00:23:12.200 --> 00:23:15.059
time we all that was there I listened to her

00:23:15.059 --> 00:23:18.920
but her mom was raising her a lot and I was busy

00:23:18.920 --> 00:23:23.519
and with work primarily And I just made this

00:23:23.519 --> 00:23:25.319
vow that I wasn't gonna do it no matter how many

00:23:25.319 --> 00:23:27.059
more kids we had, which we just had one more,

00:23:27.720 --> 00:23:31.079
that my focus, no matter when I was going to

00:23:31.079 --> 00:23:35.099
school, when I was studying, I would come home

00:23:35.099 --> 00:23:39.799
from work, be there in the evenings, and then

00:23:39.799 --> 00:23:41.940
after bedtime, even if I had to burn the midnight

00:23:41.940 --> 00:23:46.519
oil, I would. I couldn't do that now. After two

00:23:46.519 --> 00:23:49.059
days of doing it, I would need like four days

00:23:49.059 --> 00:23:53.140
of recovery. So I need my sleep, but... I made

00:23:53.140 --> 00:23:57.680
this shift and realized I was gonna, it was an

00:23:57.680 --> 00:24:01.700
intentional act to dedicate that time to my kids

00:24:01.700 --> 00:24:04.920
and frankly to my marriage too and soon I talk

00:24:04.920 --> 00:24:08.319
about this all the time that we need to date

00:24:08.319 --> 00:24:12.079
each other still and not just on the big anniversaries

00:24:12.079 --> 00:24:17.519
but go out, have some us time. I do know what

00:24:17.519 --> 00:24:20.440
she's thinking because we do talk a lot about.

00:24:20.720 --> 00:24:25.019
her business and we do plan these little excursions

00:24:25.019 --> 00:24:32.400
during the day to be out and about but we I think

00:24:32.400 --> 00:24:35.339
we committed to every other month getting away

00:24:35.339 --> 00:24:38.859
for a day or two on the weekend and then we haven't

00:24:38.859 --> 00:24:41.059
done that as much as we committed to but we wanted

00:24:41.059 --> 00:24:43.839
to do that like we have these great intentions

00:24:43.839 --> 00:24:48.960
which that's a whole nother episode That how

00:24:48.960 --> 00:24:51.319
good we can feel about our intentions, but what

00:24:51.319 --> 00:24:54.420
we actually do is what matters to others So well,

00:24:54.420 --> 00:24:58.339
I'll say this one of the big predictors of Long

00:24:58.339 --> 00:25:00.980
-term life satisfaction though is hope and optimism

00:25:00.980 --> 00:25:02.980
So as long as you're still carrying that they're

00:25:02.980 --> 00:25:04.400
like, yeah, we're gonna do it. It's gonna be

00:25:04.400 --> 00:25:06.539
good I think that's that's a good sign. That's

00:25:06.539 --> 00:25:09.000
true. I don't think I should build my relationship

00:25:09.000 --> 00:25:12.940
with my wife on We should have good promises.

00:25:13.299 --> 00:25:18.950
Yeah promises, but I think we both Realized that

00:25:18.950 --> 00:25:21.029
you know we have grown kids a little different

00:25:21.029 --> 00:25:23.849
dynamic now. I want to ask I don't want to get

00:25:23.849 --> 00:25:30.329
personal about your marriage, but What? Has been

00:25:30.329 --> 00:25:36.569
the Single or maybe top two things that you've

00:25:36.569 --> 00:25:41.730
done that's Helped keep your marriage healthy

00:25:41.730 --> 00:25:46.430
as you juggle this career this 550 manly hood

00:25:48.360 --> 00:25:51.500
Manliness This is this I we're gonna have to

00:25:51.500 --> 00:25:55.059
start a club the 550 club I can see the shirts

00:25:55.059 --> 00:25:59.720
already. Yes, and the the parenting thing like

00:25:59.720 --> 00:26:02.519
what are the really the top two things you've

00:26:02.519 --> 00:26:07.220
done to make your One or two it doesn't matter

00:26:07.220 --> 00:26:11.640
Yeah Well, I think that the one is the the daily

00:26:11.640 --> 00:26:13.920
driver, which is that we always make sure that

00:26:13.920 --> 00:26:17.789
we have time for just ourselves Unfortunately,

00:26:17.950 --> 00:26:20.049
in the summertime, when our kids don't have to

00:26:20.049 --> 00:26:22.569
be up for school, that usually pushes it pretty

00:26:22.569 --> 00:26:26.369
far. I don't know, for the last month, it's been

00:26:26.369 --> 00:26:28.849
like, okay, it's 1130, all the kids are asleep,

00:26:29.150 --> 00:26:31.730
you know, like really asleep, not just we've

00:26:31.730 --> 00:26:34.410
put them to bed and then they're, you know, back

00:26:34.410 --> 00:26:36.970
talking to us in 20 minutes, but actually asleep.

00:26:37.289 --> 00:26:39.829
And, you know, we'll watch a show or something

00:26:39.829 --> 00:26:41.450
together, you know, something we both enjoy.

00:26:42.349 --> 00:26:46.170
So making sure that we have that time. almost

00:26:46.170 --> 00:26:49.150
every day is really important. And we do try

00:26:49.150 --> 00:26:53.109
to go out and have some really intentional dates.

00:26:54.190 --> 00:26:58.150
I will say that with five kids, it is awfully

00:26:58.150 --> 00:27:02.329
difficult. So we also, we don't live close to

00:27:02.329 --> 00:27:05.109
family. Our closest family we have is about a

00:27:05.109 --> 00:27:10.029
three hour drive. So asking, you know, grandparents

00:27:10.029 --> 00:27:14.349
to help out. is just not really a thing. And

00:27:14.349 --> 00:27:16.589
even when we are visiting there, it's, you know,

00:27:16.710 --> 00:27:20.750
pretty short periods of time. And have you ever

00:27:20.750 --> 00:27:25.849
done like a polar plunge? No, not on purpose.

00:27:26.069 --> 00:27:29.529
Well, not on purpose. Well, I hear the analogy.

00:27:29.710 --> 00:27:32.589
I think it's pretty steadfast here, though, which

00:27:32.589 --> 00:27:35.369
if you've got somebody who's, you know, older

00:27:35.369 --> 00:27:38.250
adult who hasn't been parenting maybe for a while

00:27:38.250 --> 00:27:42.140
and then you ask them to watch six kids. It probably

00:27:42.140 --> 00:27:46.079
is a pretty strong shock to the system. So we

00:27:46.079 --> 00:27:49.240
don't really put that on anybody, but we do sometimes

00:27:49.240 --> 00:27:52.079
find some child care. But here's the real perk

00:27:52.079 --> 00:27:54.960
is our 12 year old is now at a stage where we

00:27:54.960 --> 00:27:56.920
think she's responsible enough that she can watch

00:27:56.920 --> 00:27:59.960
them for some short bursts of time. And that's

00:27:59.960 --> 00:28:05.759
worked out pretty good. We've had one date with

00:28:05.759 --> 00:28:08.880
Evelyn in charge and all the children have survived

00:28:08.880 --> 00:28:11.259
and we feel confident that we can do that again.

00:28:11.819 --> 00:28:15.180
So that's that hope. Those promises that that's

00:28:15.180 --> 00:28:17.640
going to happen more regularly. Yeah, which is

00:28:17.640 --> 00:28:19.480
good. So those are the two. So one, the kind

00:28:19.480 --> 00:28:21.259
of every day. Make sure we have some time and

00:28:21.259 --> 00:28:24.059
then the more special. Let's go out without the

00:28:24.059 --> 00:28:26.420
kids and sit and eat and nobody will ask us for

00:28:26.420 --> 00:28:28.559
anything except for the server. But we're OK

00:28:28.559 --> 00:28:35.759
with that. How do you? Maintain your own mental

00:28:35.759 --> 00:28:38.210
health. How do you do that as a man that's a

00:28:38.210 --> 00:28:39.829
little bit more in touch with your emotions?

00:28:41.490 --> 00:28:43.829
This really isn't about masculinity. I know we're

00:28:43.829 --> 00:28:49.130
joking, but you know, you are more apt to recognize

00:28:49.130 --> 00:28:55.730
the need for emotional regulation and have strategies

00:28:55.730 --> 00:29:01.630
too. Yeah. Well, I would say that if I were putting

00:29:01.630 --> 00:29:04.650
in like MLB terms, I would probably be maybe

00:29:04.650 --> 00:29:07.289
batting like a I don't know, around 300. I feel

00:29:07.289 --> 00:29:09.670
like that's kind of pretty good. Yeah. I don't

00:29:09.670 --> 00:29:11.609
play baseball. I'm not really a sports person.

00:29:11.650 --> 00:29:13.009
I don't know why I picked that. I really put

00:29:13.009 --> 00:29:17.009
myself in the line of fire there. Well, I have

00:29:17.009 --> 00:29:19.430
a question. Remind me to ask you about the Detroit

00:29:19.430 --> 00:29:24.670
Lions. But go ahead. Go ahead. OK. Yeah, so I

00:29:24.670 --> 00:29:27.789
do. I definitely at least have the emotional

00:29:27.789 --> 00:29:29.809
intelligence level enough to know when things

00:29:29.809 --> 00:29:34.819
are like getting heated or discombobulated. the

00:29:34.819 --> 00:29:37.599
strategies are sometimes kind of tough to implement

00:29:37.599 --> 00:29:45.279
because I'm generally always with people. It's

00:29:45.279 --> 00:29:47.859
really a blessing, but sometimes it can feel

00:29:47.859 --> 00:29:54.200
kind of a lot, I guess I'll just say. So rewind

00:29:54.200 --> 00:29:56.240
a little bit here. So yeah, I am a college professor

00:29:56.240 --> 00:30:00.279
and with that affords some really nice flexibility

00:30:00.279 --> 00:30:04.019
in terms of when things happen. So yes, I've

00:30:04.019 --> 00:30:05.950
got classes that I definitely need to be there

00:30:05.950 --> 00:30:07.789
at a certain time at a certain place. I have

00:30:07.789 --> 00:30:10.630
office hours a couple times a week. But the rest

00:30:10.630 --> 00:30:15.730
is pretty flexible. I recently turned down an

00:30:15.730 --> 00:30:19.430
administrative position because of that loss

00:30:19.430 --> 00:30:22.170
of flexibility. But my point here is that when

00:30:22.170 --> 00:30:25.829
I'm not at work, I'm usually with my kids, with

00:30:25.829 --> 00:30:28.890
my family. But even when I'm thinking I'm going

00:30:28.890 --> 00:30:31.539
to get a little bit of time, in my office, outside

00:30:31.539 --> 00:30:33.559
of office hours, inevitably I'll have a colleague

00:30:33.559 --> 00:30:36.460
come in and it'll be a conversation, which I

00:30:36.460 --> 00:30:39.779
always enjoy. But in terms of that, I need a

00:30:39.779 --> 00:30:44.480
minute to regroup things. I do specifically make

00:30:44.480 --> 00:30:47.460
some time at the expense of some other things.

00:30:47.960 --> 00:30:50.460
So I've transitioned to be a pretty hard morning

00:30:50.460 --> 00:30:53.599
person. I'm usually up by five in the morning

00:30:53.599 --> 00:30:56.890
so that I can make sure I've got some time. to

00:30:56.890 --> 00:30:59.410
be myself to do some of the things that are like

00:30:59.410 --> 00:31:05.369
just me centered. Yeah, which sometimes I as

00:31:05.369 --> 00:31:09.309
we discussed and you were on on my podcast, but

00:31:09.309 --> 00:31:12.170
this course I'm teaching on what psychological

00:31:12.170 --> 00:31:14.329
science can tell us about the good life and one

00:31:14.329 --> 00:31:17.299
thing that's really important is sleep. Part

00:31:17.299 --> 00:31:19.079
of my value system is that I kind of have to

00:31:19.079 --> 00:31:20.779
juggle all the things. I'm a finite creature

00:31:20.779 --> 00:31:23.119
and that's one that I unfortunately take a hack

00:31:23.119 --> 00:31:25.819
out because I'm usually up until maybe midnight

00:31:25.819 --> 00:31:29.500
and then I'm usually up by five to make sure

00:31:29.500 --> 00:31:32.380
I've got time for those things. So one, I guess,

00:31:32.599 --> 00:31:37.039
strategy is making time that I can be sure is

00:31:37.039 --> 00:31:39.180
time that I can focus on some things that I really

00:31:39.180 --> 00:31:45.059
need for myself. And the other is and I'm still

00:31:45.059 --> 00:31:50.400
working on this, the, okay, masculinity comment

00:31:50.400 --> 00:31:54.259
number 17. I don't have any tattoos. I know you've

00:31:54.259 --> 00:31:56.880
got tattoos. I've got a cousin. You've got a

00:31:56.880 --> 00:31:59.339
nephew who's like an award -winning tattoo artist.

00:31:59.440 --> 00:32:01.880
My mother has tattoos. My sister, my brother,

00:32:02.420 --> 00:32:07.240
a lot of us have tattoos except for me. And I

00:32:07.240 --> 00:32:09.119
think it's that I've got some commitment issues

00:32:09.119 --> 00:32:10.519
that I'm like, I don't know if I can commit to

00:32:10.519 --> 00:32:12.200
this message that I'm putting on my body for

00:32:12.200 --> 00:32:15.150
this long. But one that I keep coming back to

00:32:15.150 --> 00:32:20.509
that I'd really think hard about is like, take

00:32:20.509 --> 00:32:22.849
the time for kindness, because it's always worth

00:32:22.849 --> 00:32:24.730
it. You know, I don't know how to put that in

00:32:24.730 --> 00:32:26.930
a succinct way that like an anagram on my arm

00:32:26.930 --> 00:32:29.410
or whatever. But I need something like that to

00:32:29.410 --> 00:32:31.230
help remind me because when I'm in the throw

00:32:31.230 --> 00:32:34.029
of things, I always feel this pinch that I don't

00:32:34.029 --> 00:32:35.710
have enough time to do all the things that are

00:32:35.710 --> 00:32:40.930
really important and necessary. And I can feel

00:32:40.930 --> 00:32:44.549
myself getting short when I'm in those time crunches.

00:32:44.910 --> 00:32:47.410
So that's what I'm still working on. But the

00:32:47.410 --> 00:32:51.089
technique that I want to be better at is taking

00:32:51.089 --> 00:32:56.329
the time to just let that feeling pass of anxiety

00:32:56.329 --> 00:33:00.390
and worry. And it will pass. I mean, it does.

00:33:00.430 --> 00:33:03.369
It just passes. So if I just let that initial

00:33:03.369 --> 00:33:08.450
feeling tone down a bit, then I can be more attentive

00:33:08.450 --> 00:33:12.029
and appreciative of the moment rather than thinking

00:33:12.029 --> 00:33:13.730
about things that aren't even happening yet.

00:33:15.269 --> 00:33:17.509
I wouldn't say this for the podcast, but I would

00:33:17.509 --> 00:33:21.089
say it in my real life. Do you want to hit pause

00:33:21.089 --> 00:33:24.730
before you say this? No, I'm going to say it.

00:33:25.109 --> 00:33:27.569
This isn't how I would present myself, but it's

00:33:27.569 --> 00:33:31.529
the truth about me. Sue knows it. When I have

00:33:31.529 --> 00:33:34.089
stuff that I have to get done, I have these hard

00:33:34.089 --> 00:33:38.289
deadlines and I'm busy working. or I have a lot

00:33:38.289 --> 00:33:40.849
of them, which that has been the story of my

00:33:40.849 --> 00:33:43.250
life. That's how I've been able to provide for

00:33:43.250 --> 00:33:46.930
my family. I work hard and I have some more technical

00:33:46.930 --> 00:33:50.869
and complex jobs sometimes. And with that, I

00:33:50.869 --> 00:33:55.329
- Zookeeper? What? Zookeeper? Did you add that

00:33:55.329 --> 00:33:59.269
in yet? I haven't done zookeeper yet, but I don't

00:33:59.269 --> 00:34:01.589
know. I want to just try and see what I look

00:34:01.589 --> 00:34:04.950
like in a safari hat first and then go on from

00:34:04.950 --> 00:34:07.119
there. Alright, I'm gonna have that shipped to

00:34:07.119 --> 00:34:12.300
you. I will do a whole episode on the psychology

00:34:12.300 --> 00:34:15.579
of zookeeping. And the scene was already there,

00:34:15.679 --> 00:34:17.820
Cory. I think I was just seeing the sprout about

00:34:17.820 --> 00:34:21.119
the zookeeping comment. The passion. Exciting.

00:34:21.420 --> 00:34:26.460
It is. I'm hiding. Hiding it. You got a penguin

00:34:26.460 --> 00:34:32.039
back there? My prop. So I am going to say this.

00:34:32.260 --> 00:34:38.920
I have did stalking your Facebook and My Facebook

00:34:38.920 --> 00:34:42.079
yeah, I'm bringing up a series of pictures. I'm

00:34:42.079 --> 00:34:45.940
kidding. I'm not but as I say I'm very Absent

00:34:45.940 --> 00:34:48.000
on Facebook, so I would be really interested

00:34:48.000 --> 00:34:49.920
to see what you found on there now Jenny She

00:34:49.920 --> 00:34:51.860
is very good at sharing things for family and

00:34:51.860 --> 00:34:54.360
the like but well I saw you've been surprised

00:34:54.360 --> 00:34:56.619
at a maybe is that a campgrounds or something

00:34:56.619 --> 00:34:59.280
and you had a Detroit Lions shirt on is that

00:34:59.280 --> 00:35:02.360
because of Yeah, geographically where you live

00:35:02.360 --> 00:35:07.619
or are you a Lions fan? Mostly geographic, but

00:35:07.619 --> 00:35:11.579
also more of a fan because of the relocation.

00:35:12.480 --> 00:35:16.059
But yeah, I haven't, I've never really been a

00:35:16.059 --> 00:35:18.800
big sports person because, well, one, I had never

00:35:18.800 --> 00:35:21.860
been very good at it, but also my family just

00:35:21.860 --> 00:35:25.019
wasn't really into sports in any kind of meaningful

00:35:25.019 --> 00:35:28.119
way. We watched a lot of CSI when I was growing

00:35:28.119 --> 00:35:32.639
up. There's probably shirts for that too, but.

00:35:33.769 --> 00:35:35.829
No, but they were they were doing pretty well

00:35:35.829 --> 00:35:38.730
last year if you remember so they had lots of

00:35:38.730 --> 00:35:41.610
shirts and I got one half off and I'm like I'm

00:35:41.610 --> 00:35:44.110
gonna be part of the cool kids. Nice. I don't

00:35:44.110 --> 00:35:46.289
know if that happened but I have a shirt. I had

00:35:46.289 --> 00:35:50.710
Lions paraphernalia and shirts and stuff when

00:35:50.710 --> 00:35:53.409
they were oh oh and I think then it was 16 I

00:35:53.409 --> 00:35:55.469
don't think they had a 17 game season so I've

00:35:55.469 --> 00:36:00.130
been a Lions fan for a while and I have. Well

00:36:00.130 --> 00:36:02.949
exciting for you then. Yeah. I was gonna wear

00:36:02.949 --> 00:36:07.389
a lion shirt today just in honor of the fact

00:36:07.389 --> 00:36:09.670
that I saw you in a lion shirt and I thought

00:36:09.670 --> 00:36:13.030
it was cool. I... We'd have to really coordinate

00:36:13.030 --> 00:36:16.090
because I only have the one shirt so it wouldn't

00:36:16.090 --> 00:36:22.369
happen just by coincidence. Gotcha. So yeah that's...

00:36:22.369 --> 00:36:25.869
I was gonna... just to keep it light, I was gonna

00:36:25.869 --> 00:36:27.670
ask, does your wife pick out your clothes or

00:36:27.670 --> 00:36:29.269
do you dress yourself? But I don't really want

00:36:29.269 --> 00:36:32.170
to know the answer to that if I had to do this.

00:36:33.349 --> 00:36:35.489
Well, you're gonna get the answer. Do you go

00:36:35.489 --> 00:36:38.230
shopping for yourself or is she the shopper for

00:36:38.230 --> 00:36:40.670
you? Not usually. I'll buy like, I'll pick up

00:36:40.670 --> 00:36:47.139
my suits, I guess, when I need a new suit. I

00:36:47.139 --> 00:36:48.880
guess to say I don't I don't really have like

00:36:48.880 --> 00:36:50.860
a time in my schedule that I'm like, it's time

00:36:50.860 --> 00:36:53.639
for me to go shopping But you know when Jenny

00:36:53.639 --> 00:36:55.380
is out and she sees something she's like, oh,

00:36:55.860 --> 00:36:58.760
I like that for him intro buddy So I guess but

00:36:58.760 --> 00:37:01.019
I also have to say I don't have much identity

00:37:01.019 --> 00:37:03.719
in my clothes Where I'm like, this is the kind

00:37:03.719 --> 00:37:05.280
of look I want to own because this is what I

00:37:05.280 --> 00:37:06.679
want people to think about me when they look

00:37:06.679 --> 00:37:10.739
at me I guess I just don't have time for that

00:37:10.739 --> 00:37:15.349
I'll probably put on whatever yeah Excuse me.

00:37:15.429 --> 00:37:20.230
I think that I do have some basic looks that

00:37:20.230 --> 00:37:23.989
I go for that downplay my wealth. I'm kidding.

00:37:24.230 --> 00:37:29.690
No, I just I like it. Steve Jobs approach. Actually,

00:37:29.690 --> 00:37:31.809
you do look a little joby in there with that.

00:37:31.809 --> 00:37:35.670
Yeah, it's close. I like a good plain shirt,

00:37:35.809 --> 00:37:38.210
a good T -shirt. And it's funny that we've been

00:37:38.210 --> 00:37:41.170
talking. I didn't even know we were going to

00:37:41.170 --> 00:37:45.010
talk about being so manly today, but I also Do

00:37:45.010 --> 00:37:46.630
you want me to do the grandpa tech thing? Is

00:37:46.630 --> 00:37:50.610
that what you're building up to? I think that

00:37:50.610 --> 00:37:56.889
made it into the ology. Yes. I'm shocked. I'm

00:37:56.889 --> 00:37:59.469
shocked that I didn't get kicked out of the family

00:37:59.469 --> 00:38:03.969
for what I say, but it's fine. You know, it's

00:38:03.969 --> 00:38:06.030
funny that we've talked about T -shirts and stuff,

00:38:06.369 --> 00:38:09.449
and I think a T -shirt is probably a safer place

00:38:09.449 --> 00:38:13.500
for a saying than. tattoo if I had to be honest

00:38:13.500 --> 00:38:16.960
because you know you can you can upgrade and

00:38:16.960 --> 00:38:19.059
change and it doesn't you don't have to laser

00:38:19.059 --> 00:38:21.260
removal a t -shirt unless you yeah we're doing

00:38:21.260 --> 00:38:23.820
something really strange but I kind of wanted

00:38:23.820 --> 00:38:27.800
to just discuss things in general but I also

00:38:27.800 --> 00:38:31.059
not to put pressure on you but what if you knew

00:38:31.059 --> 00:38:36.039
someone that was struggling with their mental

00:38:36.039 --> 00:38:38.699
health as a guy not not just that I need some

00:38:38.699 --> 00:38:44.079
time I'm a little bit uptight about this and

00:38:44.079 --> 00:38:47.679
therefore, I do agree with you by the way, many

00:38:47.679 --> 00:38:51.880
things are just going to pass. That anticipatory

00:38:51.880 --> 00:38:55.619
anxiety, that feeling of I'm overwhelmed, a lot

00:38:55.619 --> 00:38:58.360
of times that will pass and we can regroup. But

00:38:58.360 --> 00:39:01.940
if someone was really struggling with some deeper

00:39:01.940 --> 00:39:06.500
mental health challenges or issues, what would

00:39:06.500 --> 00:39:09.940
you say to that person? as a guy, to another

00:39:09.940 --> 00:39:12.300
guy. And I'm not trying to put you on the spot,

00:39:12.460 --> 00:39:16.480
but do you have any message for someone that's

00:39:16.480 --> 00:39:20.179
going through something like that? Yeah, this

00:39:20.179 --> 00:39:24.400
is something that I always say, which is that

00:39:24.400 --> 00:39:27.139
I'm not a clinical psychologist. So all the advice

00:39:27.139 --> 00:39:29.760
I give is just from me being another person and

00:39:29.760 --> 00:39:32.820
not anybody who's had any type of counseling

00:39:32.820 --> 00:39:37.050
background like you. But the first thing I do

00:39:37.050 --> 00:39:41.469
is normalize it. You know, it's okay that you're

00:39:41.469 --> 00:39:45.309
having those types of feelings or thoughts. And

00:39:45.309 --> 00:39:48.409
by okay, I mean, you know, it's not a character

00:39:48.409 --> 00:39:52.570
flaw or some type of morality issue that you've,

00:39:52.630 --> 00:39:54.809
you know, you're a bad person because you're

00:39:54.809 --> 00:39:59.130
experiencing some mental health issues. Yeah.

00:39:59.369 --> 00:40:02.110
And I also then talk about like, you know, the

00:40:02.110 --> 00:40:06.920
other side. I'm not sure if you saw this around,

00:40:07.360 --> 00:40:10.139
but I had some students that had a semicolon

00:40:10.139 --> 00:40:13.480
tattoo. Yes. You've seen this? Yeah. Yes, I have.

00:40:13.739 --> 00:40:15.960
So I had to ask a student about it. I wasn't

00:40:15.960 --> 00:40:18.980
in the loop on this. Nobody consulted with me.

00:40:19.079 --> 00:40:22.639
However, I appreciate the grammatical message

00:40:22.639 --> 00:40:25.920
that's sent there. So instead of a period, which

00:40:25.920 --> 00:40:28.260
is like the end, there's a semicolon, which is

00:40:28.260 --> 00:40:32.460
like, it's a transition into a new thing. And

00:40:32.460 --> 00:40:35.559
so talking about like, whenever you're feeling

00:40:35.559 --> 00:40:38.880
really overwhelmed, that there are, you know,

00:40:39.019 --> 00:40:42.460
resources and people who care and want you to

00:40:42.460 --> 00:40:46.340
feel better and to have a better life and experience.

00:40:46.380 --> 00:40:50.239
And I try to let them know that I'm always there

00:40:50.239 --> 00:40:53.840
to listen. And if they want somebody who can

00:40:53.840 --> 00:40:56.860
listen with a little bit better guidance, that

00:40:56.860 --> 00:41:00.000
there are lots of resources out there that too,

00:41:00.119 --> 00:41:02.480
so. Typically, in my realm, it's, you know, students

00:41:02.480 --> 00:41:05.460
that I'm talking to, but, you know, other other

00:41:05.460 --> 00:41:08.360
folks, which I will say that one of my good friends

00:41:08.360 --> 00:41:12.559
is a clinical psychologist. So I always have

00:41:12.559 --> 00:41:14.539
that as my backup that I can always, you know,

00:41:14.840 --> 00:41:17.079
if something's really going on, go and ask that

00:41:17.079 --> 00:41:20.380
person for some real Some real help in directing

00:41:20.380 --> 00:41:22.559
that person but you know give them access to

00:41:22.559 --> 00:41:25.500
resources if they they need somebody to actually

00:41:25.500 --> 00:41:27.800
help them make that connection or they're not

00:41:27.800 --> 00:41:31.760
willing to do so or feeling like they want to

00:41:31.760 --> 00:41:34.500
Being brave and vulnerable in that same moment

00:41:34.500 --> 00:41:37.559
of helping that person. I think is important

00:41:37.559 --> 00:41:42.619
Yeah, I don't think we can overstate that enough.

00:41:42.719 --> 00:41:48.130
I think Without going cliched I have people that

00:41:48.130 --> 00:41:52.510
I've built relationship with I have deeper friendships

00:41:52.510 --> 00:41:55.750
with and I can sometimes sense that they're going

00:41:55.750 --> 00:41:59.670
through things other guys and I have some that

00:41:59.670 --> 00:42:02.530
are just real closed I don't mean closed minded

00:42:02.530 --> 00:42:05.570
but they're just shut off from wanting to talk

00:42:05.570 --> 00:42:09.489
about what they might be going through and it's

00:42:09.489 --> 00:42:13.969
it's not like I can't force anyone to to talk

00:42:13.969 --> 00:42:19.119
to me or to get help but Oftentimes, I just realize

00:42:19.119 --> 00:42:20.980
that that availability you're talking about and

00:42:20.980 --> 00:42:22.539
just listening to someone if they're willing

00:42:22.539 --> 00:42:25.739
to is huge. And the other thing that I always

00:42:25.739 --> 00:42:28.880
say on the podcast is in this role, I'm trying

00:42:28.880 --> 00:42:31.940
to give people information and just make sure

00:42:31.940 --> 00:42:35.000
that everyone knows that there are resources

00:42:35.000 --> 00:42:38.139
and there are ways to get help. And sometimes

00:42:38.139 --> 00:42:41.679
I give this practical advice, maybe some starter.

00:42:42.320 --> 00:42:44.599
Ideas or some things like that, but the truth

00:42:44.599 --> 00:42:46.800
of the matter is if someone in my opinion is

00:42:46.800 --> 00:42:49.960
going through something that Is a struggle that's

00:42:49.960 --> 00:42:52.699
really affecting them on the daily and they can't

00:42:52.699 --> 00:42:55.440
just seem to to shake it I do the same thing

00:42:55.440 --> 00:42:58.739
that you do and that is go go get the help go

00:42:58.739 --> 00:43:03.039
get the resource and Don't be afraid to do it.

00:43:03.079 --> 00:43:08.079
I also think Some of my topics have leaned more

00:43:08.079 --> 00:43:13.010
towards I look at my demographics of who's listening

00:43:13.010 --> 00:43:15.269
and there's more women that are listening. I

00:43:15.269 --> 00:43:20.170
just don't I Think it's the topic. I think it's

00:43:20.170 --> 00:43:24.469
overall of the the podcast but I do know that

00:43:24.469 --> 00:43:28.610
when a man is healthy and Thinking healthy that's

00:43:28.610 --> 00:43:31.309
when he can Do the things that you're talking

00:43:31.309 --> 00:43:34.630
about be available to his wife? intentionally

00:43:34.630 --> 00:43:38.110
set some daily time with her and be there for

00:43:38.780 --> 00:43:44.539
the kids not just as a provider of financial

00:43:44.539 --> 00:43:48.239
resources or part of that financial answer. How

00:43:48.239 --> 00:43:50.800
old are you in your, what is, you don't have

00:43:50.800 --> 00:43:55.119
to say your exact age in your. Well, let me first

00:43:55.119 --> 00:43:57.219
say that one time I told a neighbor kid that

00:43:57.219 --> 00:44:00.820
I was 80 years old and he looked at me and he

00:44:00.820 --> 00:44:05.059
said, your hair's funny. And that really hurt.

00:44:05.059 --> 00:44:08.800
Carry with me. That was like six years ago. that

00:44:08.800 --> 00:44:12.719
i said that but i'm 38 yeah i was gonna say i

00:44:12.719 --> 00:44:17.199
know yeah i was gonna say in your three plus

00:44:17.199 --> 00:44:22.900
decades um what takeaway maybe has the most rewarding

00:44:22.900 --> 00:44:27.420
thing or the most satisfying thing of being a

00:44:27.420 --> 00:44:30.679
parent and being a husband those are two separate

00:44:30.679 --> 00:44:34.199
things now um is it is it based on the love and

00:44:34.199 --> 00:44:36.360
connection are we going back to the good life

00:44:36.360 --> 00:44:43.199
yeah well I yeah, I think that Alright, so a

00:44:43.199 --> 00:44:46.719
little interesting bit from like a this is no

00:44:46.719 --> 00:44:48.900
methodic. It's not prescriptive. It's not saying

00:44:48.900 --> 00:44:53.539
the way that it has to be. But life satisfaction

00:44:53.539 --> 00:44:57.960
does tend to go down when you have kids. People

00:44:57.960 --> 00:45:00.739
report their likes their life being less satisfying

00:45:00.739 --> 00:45:05.380
as they have kids but Overarching, when people

00:45:05.380 --> 00:45:08.300
have kids, they find more purpose and meaning

00:45:08.300 --> 00:45:10.280
in their life. And in the long run, those people

00:45:10.280 --> 00:45:12.880
report being happier than people who don't have

00:45:12.880 --> 00:45:16.780
children. And marital satisfaction also takes

00:45:16.780 --> 00:45:19.519
a hit when you have kids, you know? And that's,

00:45:19.639 --> 00:45:22.699
we are finite. You know, we don't have endless

00:45:22.699 --> 00:45:28.239
time to give to everybody. So it's a bit of a

00:45:28.239 --> 00:45:29.820
balancing act. I'm not saying that our love is

00:45:29.820 --> 00:45:33.090
limited, but definitely our time is. But I would

00:45:33.090 --> 00:45:37.170
say, yes, back to the original question. The

00:45:37.170 --> 00:45:42.269
most rewarding thing is. I'm going to go with

00:45:42.269 --> 00:45:46.070
another cliche here, but watching them have a

00:45:46.070 --> 00:45:48.829
peaceful night's sleep is one of these things

00:45:48.829 --> 00:45:51.190
that's really fulfilling. And the reason why

00:45:51.190 --> 00:45:55.929
it's so fulfilling for me. OK, one, they're quiet

00:45:55.929 --> 00:45:59.489
and peaceful. You've got a lot of kids that are

00:45:59.489 --> 00:46:03.019
like. a model of an atom with the electrons just

00:46:03.019 --> 00:46:07.059
constantly buzzing around. Yeah. Seeing them

00:46:07.059 --> 00:46:09.599
at peace and at rest, you know, like that sounds

00:46:09.599 --> 00:46:11.900
like they're they're dead. No, that's not what

00:46:11.900 --> 00:46:14.900
I mean. But, you know, they're they're content,

00:46:15.219 --> 00:46:18.500
you know, like and that they can sleep soundly

00:46:18.500 --> 00:46:21.440
just lets me feel like, OK, we're we're doing

00:46:21.440 --> 00:46:24.820
things right enough that they can go to sleep

00:46:24.820 --> 00:46:27.559
and sleep soundly and wake up. And, you know,

00:46:27.559 --> 00:46:30.679
it's a new day. Whenever I see them excited about

00:46:30.679 --> 00:46:33.460
things That's another thing that just is really

00:46:33.460 --> 00:46:35.360
fulfilling because they've got a life where they

00:46:35.360 --> 00:46:40.460
can be curious and feel joy So that's great Do

00:46:40.460 --> 00:46:42.179
you want me to answer the husband one thing too?

00:46:42.559 --> 00:46:48.219
Yeah, you should you should Yeah, well Knowing

00:46:48.219 --> 00:46:50.400
that my wife still wants to give me like good

00:46:50.400 --> 00:46:54.039
hugs. I Think sorry. I keep looking over to the

00:46:54.039 --> 00:46:56.159
side because there's faces that are appearing

00:46:56.159 --> 00:47:02.909
and I'm not Yeah, well, he didn't. Yes, but.

00:47:04.590 --> 00:47:09.329
And quiet. OK, well, yeah, so knowing that, you

00:47:09.329 --> 00:47:12.610
know, there's still those strong embraces that

00:47:12.610 --> 00:47:16.510
I mean, one, it's very comforting to me. You

00:47:16.510 --> 00:47:19.289
know, I can feel really connected at that point.

00:47:19.630 --> 00:47:23.730
And, you know, we go through lives sometimes

00:47:23.730 --> 00:47:26.030
in parallel, but always connected. But, you know,

00:47:26.090 --> 00:47:27.829
those moments where you can just have a quiet,

00:47:27.829 --> 00:47:31.869
good hug. Yeah. Are you I can't hear your kids

00:47:31.869 --> 00:47:35.869
because the the software, you know, mutes them

00:47:35.869 --> 00:47:37.550
out. So I don't know what's happening in the

00:47:37.550 --> 00:47:40.130
background. Oh, well, that makes it seem like

00:47:40.130 --> 00:47:44.949
I'm a little off kilter here. I'm not I don't

00:47:44.949 --> 00:47:48.570
think I'm imagining them. The experience is very

00:47:48.570 --> 00:47:51.070
real. So I'm glad that it's filtering it out

00:47:51.070 --> 00:47:55.909
and that the software is working well. But yeah.

00:47:57.050 --> 00:47:59.530
This is a genuine smile, it's not a nervous smile.

00:48:00.849 --> 00:48:04.110
Even when they bust in, it's still okay. You

00:48:04.110 --> 00:48:06.469
say that about, and I really appreciate that,

00:48:06.610 --> 00:48:08.449
I never thought about it, but when you can rest

00:48:08.449 --> 00:48:13.469
well, it is indicative of something being peaceful

00:48:13.469 --> 00:48:16.639
in their lives that they're not struggling. and

00:48:16.639 --> 00:48:19.320
can get to sleep, you know, that is, and the

00:48:19.320 --> 00:48:21.599
fact that you can give them a roof and a comfortable

00:48:21.599 --> 00:48:25.119
bed or, you know, provide for their means to

00:48:25.119 --> 00:48:27.219
have that rest, that's meaningful. The last thing

00:48:27.219 --> 00:48:31.420
I want to ask is how's the Good Life course?

00:48:31.900 --> 00:48:34.460
This was the inaugural version of it, right?

00:48:35.239 --> 00:48:37.699
Yeah, it just, is it over? Well, it just started,

00:48:37.820 --> 00:48:40.900
no, it just started yesterday, actually. So I

00:48:40.900 --> 00:48:46.360
have zero feedback. I did have somebody in Saudi

00:48:46.360 --> 00:48:48.780
Arabia download the first episode, so I don't

00:48:48.780 --> 00:48:51.960
know what that means. Maybe one of my students

00:48:51.960 --> 00:49:00.699
is studying abroad. But it's very eye opening

00:49:00.699 --> 00:49:03.820
to me, I think, because I'm definitely coming

00:49:03.820 --> 00:49:06.800
at this with a certain, you know, cultural perspective

00:49:06.800 --> 00:49:10.159
and my own background on what I think, you know,

00:49:10.639 --> 00:49:14.659
a good life. is, and that still really matters,

00:49:14.679 --> 00:49:16.599
you know, what your own opinion of what the good

00:49:16.599 --> 00:49:19.099
life is, because it's not the same for everybody

00:49:19.099 --> 00:49:23.280
by any stretch. But I think that the thing that

00:49:23.280 --> 00:49:26.840
I'm learning a lot about is that there are a

00:49:26.840 --> 00:49:29.980
lot of commonalities in what people really value

00:49:29.980 --> 00:49:34.860
in their life. And the one that I think I suspected,

00:49:35.099 --> 00:49:39.739
but maybe undervalued was relationships and how

00:49:39.929 --> 00:49:43.130
that is important just almost across the board

00:49:43.130 --> 00:49:48.670
and every place. So I think that that focus for

00:49:48.670 --> 00:49:51.030
people is a really important message right now.

00:49:51.329 --> 00:49:54.010
I think that's just a message that I definitely

00:49:54.010 --> 00:49:58.510
want to reinforce for my students. Not that it's

00:49:58.510 --> 00:50:02.889
a particularly youth -only message, but there's

00:50:02.889 --> 00:50:06.230
definitely some trends of people being less involved

00:50:06.230 --> 00:50:08.699
in other people's lives. And I don't necessarily

00:50:08.699 --> 00:50:10.300
mean that in an intrusive way, but you know,

00:50:10.360 --> 00:50:14.920
sometimes you need that little bit of extra intrusiveness

00:50:14.920 --> 00:50:17.940
to let you really know that your life matters

00:50:17.940 --> 00:50:21.460
to other people and that you can matter in other

00:50:21.460 --> 00:50:26.260
people's lives. So there's, I think, been a little

00:50:26.260 --> 00:50:32.530
bit of a slip maybe or a backpedaling and wanting

00:50:32.530 --> 00:50:35.369
to really meaningfully engage in other people's

00:50:35.369 --> 00:50:37.849
lives. So that's probably the top one that I'm

00:50:37.849 --> 00:50:40.030
taking away personally, but I'm hoping that students

00:50:40.030 --> 00:50:44.389
will be able to take with them too, that a good

00:50:44.389 --> 00:50:47.329
life doesn't mean that you've got, you know,

00:50:47.389 --> 00:50:50.250
all the things. And it doesn't mean that, you

00:50:50.250 --> 00:50:54.030
know, you've met all your goals in of itself,

00:50:54.250 --> 00:50:58.199
right? Those are important too, but Again, when

00:50:58.199 --> 00:51:00.539
we look at the data across the world, across

00:51:00.539 --> 00:51:03.199
many decades, the research consistently says

00:51:03.199 --> 00:51:06.460
it's people. So how did someone in Saudi Arabia

00:51:06.460 --> 00:51:13.420
download your class or your podcast? You have

00:51:13.420 --> 00:51:18.639
it up? Yeah, so I'm once again following in the

00:51:18.639 --> 00:51:22.619
footsteps of my brilliant uncle and I have used

00:51:22.619 --> 00:51:30.239
RSS .com to host the podcast. Do you want other

00:51:30.239 --> 00:51:32.639
people to listen? So we should tell them what

00:51:32.639 --> 00:51:37.820
it is or do you not want people to listen? Do

00:51:37.820 --> 00:51:40.079
I want people to listen? That's a good question

00:51:40.079 --> 00:51:44.800
right now. Okay, buddy. It's all right. The ant

00:51:44.800 --> 00:51:49.059
will be all right. I don't know how much I want

00:51:49.059 --> 00:51:52.000
people to hear right now. This is how funny this

00:51:52.000 --> 00:51:53.380
is. You were talking about the software kind

00:51:53.380 --> 00:51:56.449
of editing things out. But right now it's asking

00:51:56.449 --> 00:51:58.570
me if background music is playing and I think

00:51:58.570 --> 00:52:00.730
that it just thinks of my kids voices are just

00:52:00.730 --> 00:52:07.730
so harmonious and lovely But Yeah, so I don't

00:52:07.730 --> 00:52:11.650
mind if people listen to it. I mean It is this

00:52:11.650 --> 00:52:14.369
I'm calling it an open education resource So

00:52:14.369 --> 00:52:16.409
like a open source textbook kind of thing, but

00:52:16.409 --> 00:52:19.289
it's you know, auditory based so people can if

00:52:19.289 --> 00:52:24.150
they want to Yeah, but yeah, I mean that statement

00:52:24.150 --> 00:52:26.690
of following in my uncle's footsteps is really

00:52:26.690 --> 00:52:29.949
true So not all of your footsteps. I mean, I

00:52:29.949 --> 00:52:32.150
haven't been involved in prosthetics and braces

00:52:32.150 --> 00:52:36.010
and Mortgages and things like that. But yeah,

00:52:36.090 --> 00:52:40.170
I did have a brief stint as a web developer The

00:52:40.170 --> 00:52:43.769
graphic design I as an undergrad I did that for

00:52:43.769 --> 00:52:47.889
a year for a local business and I still I still

00:52:47.889 --> 00:52:53.800
dabble to this day Alright, yeah. So are you

00:52:53.800 --> 00:52:55.619
going to do, this is the question then, are you

00:52:55.619 --> 00:52:58.340
going to do the podcast beyond the class? Are

00:52:58.340 --> 00:53:01.340
you going to continue to have these reflective

00:53:01.340 --> 00:53:04.539
conversations with people and do more or is it

00:53:04.539 --> 00:53:09.519
just going to be the episodes if you will or

00:53:09.519 --> 00:53:13.559
the series for the class as a resource? Yeah,

00:53:13.679 --> 00:53:16.539
I think I would like to continue to do it. I

00:53:16.539 --> 00:53:20.969
mean it's one of the great pains of being limited

00:53:20.969 --> 00:53:23.429
in some way is being aware of how much more there

00:53:23.429 --> 00:53:27.869
is that you can't fit into something. So for

00:53:27.869 --> 00:53:31.530
the course, I can't fit all the good stuff in,

00:53:31.530 --> 00:53:33.869
you know, I highlight and try to get as much

00:53:33.869 --> 00:53:36.190
across as I can, but like that the really meaningful

00:53:36.190 --> 00:53:38.230
and interesting conversations, the things that

00:53:38.230 --> 00:53:41.409
are unfolding faster than the research comes

00:53:41.409 --> 00:53:44.590
out. I really like to continue to have those

00:53:44.590 --> 00:53:49.780
conversations, especially with other people and

00:53:49.780 --> 00:53:51.699
not just myself talking about the things that

00:53:51.699 --> 00:53:56.199
I've read because it's pretty boring for me.

00:53:56.400 --> 00:53:58.619
A little bit more performative than I like to

00:53:58.619 --> 00:54:03.340
be. But I try. I'm growing in that way, for sure.

00:54:04.920 --> 00:54:09.679
But I do like it. Where did they find it? Or

00:54:09.679 --> 00:54:11.860
what's it called? Like, are you giving? Yeah,

00:54:11.920 --> 00:54:13.940
I can give you. It's funny. How do they find

00:54:13.940 --> 00:54:15.719
it? I'm thinking like, well, they get on our

00:54:15.719 --> 00:54:17.980
content, our learning management system, and

00:54:17.980 --> 00:54:20.679
I've got a link for the course. Yeah, I don't

00:54:20.679 --> 00:54:22.840
have like a public facing URL right now other

00:54:22.840 --> 00:54:26.320
than it's, it is available. I turned on the little

00:54:26.320 --> 00:54:28.679
button so it would be available in all the podcast

00:54:28.679 --> 00:54:31.559
platforms. So you can find it under psychology

00:54:31.559 --> 00:54:34.739
and the good life. Psychology and the good life.

00:54:35.619 --> 00:54:40.340
And Dr. Joe Weaver is the... author of it or

00:54:40.340 --> 00:54:43.099
something like that. I think it says Joe Weaver

00:54:43.099 --> 00:54:46.300
on there. If not, I should probably fix that

00:54:46.300 --> 00:54:49.380
on my to -do list. Well, I don't know if I'm

00:54:49.380 --> 00:54:51.300
gonna get you listenership, but I'm gonna check

00:54:51.300 --> 00:54:54.519
it out myself and I want the resource to be available

00:54:54.519 --> 00:54:57.679
in case others want to. So I'll track you down.

00:54:57.920 --> 00:55:00.119
I'll figure you. Psychology and the good life,

00:55:00.360 --> 00:55:03.039
Joe Weaver. But thanks for talking to me today

00:55:03.039 --> 00:55:08.280
and I know you have... Ants and other things

00:55:08.280 --> 00:55:10.519
to take care of I have many little creatures.

00:55:11.019 --> 00:55:14.000
Well, have a good one Thanks for talking and

00:55:14.000 --> 00:55:16.239
I'll check you check you later. I don't even

00:55:16.239 --> 00:55:18.960
say that check you later, man I'm gonna check

00:55:18.960 --> 00:55:21.559
you later, too. I know it's been a lot of fun.

00:55:21.559 --> 00:55:24.519
I appreciate you having me on to talk but also

00:55:24.519 --> 00:55:27.460
It's a lot of fun to talk. So even if we're not

00:55:27.460 --> 00:55:30.099
recording ourselves for you know, public display

00:55:30.099 --> 00:55:32.059
I think we should do it more. I think you're

00:55:32.059 --> 00:55:36.219
right. Take care All right. See ya That concludes

00:55:36.219 --> 00:55:38.280
this episode of Mind and Faith Matters. Check

00:55:38.280 --> 00:55:40.139
us out at mindandfaithmatters .com.